Jul 20, 2005

How To Kill a Wasp

7/20/2005 — cori

Remember....this is my family we're talking about here, so absolutely nothing is normal...not even the way we kill a wasp.

We (the kids and I) were a having a nice leisurely morning, hanging out playing, when all-of-the-sudden, out of nowhere, a wasp comes flying into our life (inside the house). This, of course, totally freaks out the kids. Gavin is not just afraid of wasps, bees and the like - he is petrified. At the mere sight of them he starts shaking and crying. So, I immediately switch into 'mother bear' mode and must protect my precious cubs..uh, I mean children, from imminent danger. Thankfully, I don't have to really protect them (meaning kill the wasp) I just have to keep him at bay until Daddy gets home. I, too, am terrified of those flying little creatures and prefer to lock my self in a closet until they are no more. So, I stood guard and kept a keen eye fixed solely on the menacing little creature, with my cubs securely in place behind me, until Daddy got home.

Chuck had already planned to come home at lunch - little did he know, he was also going to be our hero during our darkest hour today. He comes in the door and everyone screams at once, "THERE'S A WASP IN THE HOUSE!" Since I never once lost sight of the little thing, I knew his precise location and movements. The only problem was the wasp was hovering in a window 25 feet up in the air with no way to reach him. Chuck decided, that since the wasp was staying put for now, he may as well eat his lunch and decide on his modus operandi of attack to use for the challenge that lie ahead.

Lunch has culminated and two of the three children have been put safely in their rooms for a nap. Now I only have one cub left to worry about and Chuck has decided to recruit him to help fight the wasp. I was shocked that Gavin didn't run in the opposite direction flailing his arms wildly at the mere mention of such an atrocity. I think the thrill seeker in him came out and he was able to subdue his intense fear long enough to be 'Daddy's Special Helper' - plus the fact that he knew his Dad was there to protect him probably helped a bit too.

Chuck thought long and hard and decided that the best thing to do would be to throw balls at the wasp to scare him down from the lofty window sill. Thankfully, he was thinking more in-line of the Nerf type balls. Breaking a window would only be an invitation for the entire wasp colony living outside of it, to come in all at once and join their little trouble maker friend wreaking havoc already, inside our house. So, it was my duty to round up all the Nerf-like balls we owned. Can you believe we own 6 of them? Gavin was stationed at the top of the stairs that has a direct view of the window sill (yet, is about 15 feet away). I was crouching behind the sofa - no, that's what I wanted to be doing, instead, I think I was probably doing the dishes. Something, anything to keep my mind off the drama currently unfolding in the room adjacent to me.

So, there's Chuck, all dressed up in his work clothes, throwing balls at our windows. I was given the new role of 'ball catcher' at this point. It's about 100 degrees outside and maybe 80 degrees inside. After about the 40th pitch he finally scares it away from its hiding place. Chuck told me later in confidence (after his bout with near death was over) that he went way over his pitch count without a warm-up first. He is now drenched with sweat but running like a mad man up the stairs to try to kill this wasp before it heads straight for Gavin who is still obediently standing at the top of the stairs watching his greatest fear fly right at him.

I was not an eye witness to the events that unfolded after this point, but I heard everything. Above me I hear boom, boom, bang, wham, blatt, bonk. It sounded as if Chuck & Gavin are bouncing off the walls while wrestling the poor creature to a sad and scary death. Finally, Chuck comes back down with a look of triumph on his face, with his dress shirt and undershirt completely off and only his slacks and dress shoes on and sweat dripping down his forehead. I don't know what that wasp did - but it DID NOT win!! My husband the wasp killer!!!! Way to go, baby!

From what Gavin tells me, after the wasp was coming at him, Daddy leapt the stairs three at a time to save his precious first born and took a flying leap at him (not Gavin, the wasp) with the powerful fly swatter. Gavin ducked and Daddy continued after the thing until he had him cornered, where Chuck then used his powerful precision skill of fly swattery to hit the insect up against the wall. This blow only stunned the wasp for a brief moment - but enough for Chuck to gather more momentum for his next and final blow which prematurely ended the life of the wasp who, during his dying moment, surely regretted ever trying to come into this crazy house.

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