Solitude

Ever since we moved and put the children in school, my world has been turned upside down.  I went from Homeschool Mom/Stay-at-home Mom to....nothing.  Those things are what defined me.  Now I don't know what defines me. I'm still not sure what to do or what to call myself.  Am I this?:

I actually don't mind doing all the household chores.  This is all I wanted to be when I grew up.  I actually take great delight in serving my family.  But that doesn't keep me busy all day long.  And there's the problem....the word BUSY.  I guess I used to be so busy homeschooling and then taking care of my family 24/7 that I became accustomed to having every free minute of time accounted for.  Free time?  What's that?

Another unfortunate thing is, sadly, I had taken too much pride in what I did.  I often failed to see anything good that I was able to do or give was solely because of what God was accomplishing through me instead of actions based on my own merit.  Pride is so ugly and deceptive.  I tried to guard myself against it only to be blind-sided by it when all was stripped away.  Broken.

When we first moved, I filled all this new free time with decorating the house, painting, cleaning, organizing...that way I didn't have to think about the void. I could just stay busy and not have to deal with my heart.  Isn't staying busy the curse of our modern times?  Noise creates superficiality.  I was afraid of solitude and had become very superficial.

Henri J.M. Nouwen says:

“We enter into solitude first of all to meet our Lord and to be with Him and Him alone. Only in the context of grace can we face our sin; only in the place of healing do we dare to show our wounds; only with a single-minded attention to Christ can we give up our clinging fears and face our own true nature. Solitude is a place where Christ remodels us in his own image and frees us from the victimizing compulsions of the world.” 

After coming to the end of myself (again and again and again), I find all I need is Jesus.  I don't have to have a title, a ministry, a high paying job, homeschool, work, or volunteer to make a difference.  The difference starts in my heart.  In letting go of all my self-sufficiency, of all I have to offer.  All I have is my life to give.  Am I willing to be a nobody for Him?  Am I willing to spend my entire day praying if that is what He wants of me?

When I ask Him what He wants me to do now all I hear over and over is, "Be still and know that I am God."  Being still is not my forte.  I never sit for long.  I have to do.  It's part of how He made me.  But right now, the greater lesson is in the solitude.  Quiet time.  I have alot of it now.  I'm getting better at sitting still and waiting for Him and resting in Him....not because I'm trying harder but because I quit trying.  I'm letting go.  I believe that is called 'dying to myself' and dying in any form is always painful, but the beauty that awaits on the other side is priceless.

Outraged

I can't believe I had to learn this awful, sad truth from a table full of 2nd graders.  Nevertheless, that is how it happened.  I was told, are you sitting down, that Cookie Monster is no longer on Sesame Street.  What an outrage!  They informed me that they replaced him with Veggie Monster.  Seriously?  What kid is going to want to watch a monster that formerly ate cookies, suddenly change his tune and start eating veggies?  This is ridiculous!

I told the kids that we should boycott Sesame Street.  Come to find out, they're too old to be watching that kind of stuff...but they're still in the 'know' because of younger brothers and sisters.  I asked the kids "why?" thinking they had some inside scoop since they totally blind-sided me on this.  One child said, "Maybe they think he's being a bad influence on us and encouraging us to eat too many cookies?"  You think?  So, are they planning on retiring Oscar the Grouch because of his negative influence too?  Should we change his name to Optimistic Oscar?

Seriously, they are all MONSTERS.  Kids are scared of monsters.  Plus, as Gavin so aptly pointed out, "Who is going to teach us the letter of the day if there is no Cookie Monster?"  Excellent question.  The kids around the lunch table were all well aware of where I stood on this issue after our little discussion.  I sure hope they don't go home and ask their parents what 'boycott' means.

Update:  Thankfully, a friend who loves Cookie Monster as much as I do, actually took the time to dig deeper and find out if this sordid information handed to me by my 2nd grade informants is infact true.  Thank God she did.  After reviewing snopes.com, I have now learned the real truth that seemed to be lost on the children.  Cookie is not being replaced, he's just eating fewer cookies.  Whew!  He's trying to make healthier choices, which I can understand, given the whole child obesity problem.  

The Dog That Won't Bark and The Bird That Won't Chirp

Of course we ended up with the dog that won't bark and the bird that won't tweet.  It's our family and that is just par for the course.  Why would anything be normal in this house?

 The dog (Ninja)

The bird (Azul)

You will never find these two in the same picture together.  That is because when we "introduced" them, Ninja thought we bought the bird as a snack for her.  She instantly tried to seize the bird thus putting their relationship in a very tenuous situation.  

Since I have been the co-owner of The Bird, as I affectionally refer to it, for a week now, I feel as though I can speak with some authority.  Technically The Bird is Bennett's.  It sleeps in his room (in my house), in a cage (that I bought).  He does all the feeding, playing and cleaning of it.  In it's week of living with me, I have heard it tweet like 5 times only.  What's up with that?  It's a bird.  That's how they're supposed to communicate.

Then there's Ninja.  It would be better to describe her as a stuffed animal that just happens to be laying in the same room I'm in at all times.  She expects me to read her mind (which I can).  There are only two instances that would cause her to bark: 1. it is the weekend and she feels we are sleeping in too late and have forgotten about her 6am breakfast time or 2. she has sat at the back door for over an hour with out me sensing her need to go out.  At one of those two times, she'll let out one demanding bark.  Other than that, it's radio silence all the time.

What's next?  A fish that won't swim?

A Teachable Moment

After school Bennett and Chloe decided to play football together.  I guess he was desperate.  I heard lots of laughs and fun screams coming from the front yard, so I just assumed it was all working out.   But as they were coming in for dinner I heard Bennett dispense some useful advice to his sister, "Chlo, you might want to think about being a good sport when you play."  There you have it.  Drop the bomb and walk away. Leave her sitting there contemplating her actions that she see's absolutely nothing wrong with. She yelled after him with, "I am too a good sport Bennett!"

When I asked him about their conversation later he said, "Oh that.  I just wanted to tell Chloe that she would have more fun if she had a good attitude when she played.  She normally gets all mad when things don't go her way."  Good luck - I'm still working on trying to explain that one to her.

I thanked him for his patience and encouragement of her. He seems to understand she's just 7 and not quite as mature as him yet.  Maybe she will listen to him when she doesn't listen to us.

But as I type, the teacher has yet again invited the pupil outside for a second chance at redeeming herself. Maybe there is hope.

Undermining the English Language

Gavin has decided to write a novel.  Because of this monumental decision, he has deemed it necessary to come up with a pen name.  And because he never does anything the normal way, he has decided that his pen name must exploit the English language.  His goal is to use all the silent letters in one name.  This is what he came up with:

Phough Ptognemknote

(pronunciation:  fuff toe-nem-note)

If you ever happen to come by a book written by this author, I highly recommend it.  He will most likely exploit and bend and trivialize all the rules of our crazy, English language.  And he will have fun doing it.

The Perfect Storm

October 31 is the Perfect Storm for us:  Bennett's Birthday, Halloween, and DUFDN (Dress Up For Dinner Night).  But this particular one was even more special because we had special visitors.  My parents came to see us and celebrate the perfect storm with us.  I think the pictures speak for themselves of our love of dressing up as a family.

Let me introduce to you: Grandpa (Bob the Builder), Grandma (PBR Cowboy), Gavin (The Hippy), Bennett (The 80's Rockstar) and Chloe (1700's Girl)

Chuck decided to go with the old stand-by of Cooter the Redneck and I wanted to do Princess Lea, but didn't have a white, flowy gown (besides my wedding dress which I was NOT going to use as a costume), so I ad-libbed, I've got the Princess Lea hair and the wardrobe of a Jedi Knight.  However, one trick-or-treater asked if I was a librarian.  Go figure.

Thankfully it wasn't too cold yet so the kids didn't have to wear coats over their costumes so that you get the full effect.

And here is the birthday boy picking out his present: a new parakeet.  It was love at first sight.  His name is Azul even though he is green and yellow.  He is on the fast track to living his dream: becoming a falconer.  Now that he knows how to deal with a parakeet, it's all downhill from here.

The Inside of Gavin's Brain

The other day we were all talking about something we were afraid about.  Gavin knows my propensity for the 'worse case scenario' mentality.  So obviously I was talking about some unfounded fear and taking it to the n'th degree when Gavin tells me, "Mom, you just let your fears ferment."

Hmmmm....I had never thought of it that way, but now that you mention it, yes...I will be sure to no longer allow my fears to ferment.

Today I had asked him to turn on some music for me while I was preparing dinner.  He gladly turned on Grooveshark.  Instead of putting my playlist on, he put his on.  I had asked specifically for one song.  He came up to tell me, "Mom, I increased the probability that you will hear that song by adding it to the list 7 times.  So, since I have approximately 49 songs on my playlist, the probability that you will hear it again is about 1 in every 7 songs."

Thanks.  Um...but I didn't ask you to do any math, just put on a song.

At dinner tonight he told us how awesome RNA is.  He said he just loves amino acids and went on to explain and detail what an RNA chain looks like only using scientific terminology.  It's as if he had a tape recorder on during science class today and he just pressed play when he got home.  I cannot even begin to imagine how awesome it must feel to have a photographic memory or a tape recorder for a mind.  He went on to excitedly tell us all about the different parts of a cell (as you would see in a college text book) and then ended with, "I just love microbiology!"

And I just love you Gavin!  I love how you see the world and your excitement for learning. I love how you drink it up and share it with such excitement.  Thank you for always teaching me.  And thank you for still asking me questions thinking I know any answers at all.  Google, I love you.

A Decade

Turning ten is special, I know

I'm always amazed as I watch you grow

In character, stature and grace

All while keeping that handsome smile on your face.

I love who you are and who you're growing to be,

A young man with a tender heart towards God and his family.

You care about others, their feelings and fears

And are a loyal friend by choosing to stay near

To the underdog and downcast, hurt and sad,

Never judging but loving, even those who are 'bad'.

You let your light shine, for that I am proud.

Maybe that's why wherever you are there's always a crowd.

I love watching you learn and teaching yourself

About mythology and birds and anything else

Animal related because you're obsessed

With everything a young zoologist loves best.

You read and you learn and you share your joy,

That's what makes me proud of my 10 year old boy.

One of your gifts is being good with a ball.

It doesn't matter which one, you're good with them all.

There's so much to learn and practice with sports,

Like teamwork and discipline and playing on the court

With a good attitude and a teachable heart

Because that is the place where character starts.

On your journey to becoming a man, 

There will be many you'll learn from who'll give you a hand.

Watch and listen and soon you will learn

About how to make decisions and to whom you should turn.

Stay humble and honest and teachable too.

These three will carry you all the way through.

Remember to be thankful everyday.

These are my reminders to you today.

Put God first in all you do.

This is my heart's prayer for you.

Love, Mom

Weirdo

We have a saying in this house.  It's called: "I think you're acting weird today."  Anyone is allowed to bestow this saying on any other house-hold inhabitant at any time as long as that person is bona-fide weird that day.  I'm fond of using it on Chuck on numerous occasions.  Anything qualifies as weird.  Here are a few actions that would cause one to initiate 'the saying': staring off into space, being too quiet, being too loud, not wanting tea, giving weird answers in response to simple questions, you know... pretty much anything 'not normal'.

Well...as of late, Gavin would qualify as 'not normal'.  Seeing as though I've never been through the adolescence stage with any of my children before, I'm not exactly sure what to expect when.  I never know if how he is acting is normal or not.  I'm still a 'first time mom'.

My quiet, laid-back, unassuming, thoughtful, articulate, considerate, loves-to-sleep-in child I've known for over 12 years now has apparently morphed into another creature all together.  I even asked him today if they were feeding him bags of undiluted sugar while at school.  He said "no".  So I have to believe that another force is at work.  I'm blaming on-coming teen-age-hood.

The son who could sit still and read for hours now can't stand still to save his life.  The one who used to value silence and solitude now needs to constantly bang his hands on any and everything like a drum beating out some rhythm known only to his brain.  The child who was so mild mannered has become the adolescent who is climbing the walls and seriously has me contemplating the question of "What does ADHD look like"?

It is as if we've flipped some imaginary switch.  He has also become a 'stands-too-close-loud-talker'.  He has no volume control, not even when 6 inches from my face.  I love that he still loves to talk with me about his day, life, dreams, etc...but not at full volume.  I have noise issues.  I also have sensitivity to too much motion issues.  I know that is not a technical term. I don't know if there even is a name for my condition...yet.  But it involves going literally crazy when someone is moving way too much around me.  I can't handle too much motion.  It makes me confused.  As does loud music.  Or too many people in a room talking at the same time ( I hear every conversation and can't really pay attention to just one ).   It's not necessarily motion-sensitivity... that's more like getting car sick.   It's much deeper than that.  It's called: I need people to sit still and speak softly while around me.  Okay, it's sounding more and more like I'm the weird one.  Hmmm...maybe we need to explore this a little more.

Anyways, all of this to say that the beginning of our journey into adolescence is fun so far.  You never know what to expect from day to day.  One day he will sleep in till 10am so he can grow another 2 inches right in front of my eyes.  The next day, he's up at dawn and talking as fast as a chipmunk with as much energy to boot.  This just proves the age old adage, when you think you know what you're doing-everything changes.

Rubber Bands, Whining & Salvation

What in the world can those three things ever have in common?  Well, I'm about to tell you a little story that will tie them all together perfectly.

It seems like we've been 'teaching' Chloe that whining and complaining is not an optimal behavior for a long, long time.  This lesson doesn't want to seem to sink in.  Sometimes I despair of her ever learning it.  It's that bad.  We've tried everything to stop it.  Some things appear to work for a bit, but then the whining returns.

Whining and complaining and pouting are just a form of manipulation and control.   It's an understandable  and common trait found amongst the babies of the family.  Even so, in our opinion, it doesn't justify the behavior.  We need to teach her a better way to communicate her frustration.    It would be an injustice to her to allow her to continue on in life thinking this was an okay way to deal with people and situations.

Then it hit me...by constantly focusing on the 'bad' behavior, we're not reaching her heart.  The problem lies in her heart condition.  It is a choice she makes that comes from an ungrateful heart.  But how can we teach her to have a thankful heart?  The answer is easy...by example.

We constantly focus on what we are thankful for in our house - especially when things aren't going our way.  It's super important that Chuck and I model this attitude of thankfulness so that the kids grow up seeing this as 'normal' and hopefully it will be their default attitude without much thought or effort.

The latest scheme we came up with to try to get the whining to stop was to place a rubber band on Chloe's wrist every time we heard her whine or complain or pout when she didn't like our response to a situation or didn't get her way.  She would have to wear them all day, every day, everywhere.  It would be a constant visual reminder.  The hope was that she wouldn't want to always see it and would stop and think before speaking.  The first few weeks it worked great.  She would start each week anew and see how little she complained by how few rubber bands were on her wrist.  But then she stopped caring.  Uh-oh...now what?

As we were cuddling in bed the other morning, God showed me exactly what to do.  I asked her if she could please put all her rubber bands on my wrist.  "Why?" she asked.  "Because I want to teach you about grace and about what Jesus did for you."

She placed them all on my wrist hesitantly (she had accumulated about 8 or 9 already).  I told her, "Honey, these represent your sin.  This is what Jesus did for you.  He took your sin and made it his own.  Then he took your punishment you deserved for that sin.  He did this for you because he loves you so much. By taking your rubber bands, I'm taking your sin.  When you see your sin on me, I want it to make you thankful that someone loves you so much they are willing to take your punishment.  I want it to make you think really hard before you speak.  Because if you sin again, I have to bear the punishment.  I know you love me and I know it would make you super sad to see me have to hurt because of your sin.  Think of mommy before you act.  Just like, when we accept Jesus' gift, we think of Him before we act and our actions constantly show him how thankful we are for gift he gave us that we didn't deserve."

She was sad.  She didn't want me to wear her rubber bands.  But I wanted to.  I wanted her to see Jesus and his grace every time she saw those on my arm.  I wanted her to have a visual of how he takes our sin away, even and especially, when we don't deserve it.  She reached over and gave me a huge hug and thanked me over and over.  She told me how much she loved me.

Jesus knew exactly what she needed.  He reached down and touched her heart.  He put a picture in her mind that she will never forget.  He's showing her who He is and how He can change her life.  I just love how He works.  So gentle, so kind, so perfect for each individual need.  It is my prayer that one day Chloe will open her heart up to Him completely.  Not to make me happy, not because she's been cajoled, not because everyone around her is, but because she couldn't imagine living her life without Him and she can trust Him completely for everything.

I bet on that day, there will be no more whining or pouting.  And we can finally throw those rubber bands away.

Type A

I just need to clear up a little something here...I AM NOT a Type A personality.  Whew... that feels better.  If I were, I would enjoy these following activities:

1. making lists
2. keeping an immaculately clean desk
3. being a rule follower to a T
4. being highly detail oriented
5. being very opinionated & a wee bit stubborn

I might also look like one of these two people:

These are my favortite Type A personalities.  Neither one of them can start their day without a list.  On any given Saturday, Chuck has his list of what we're going to do that day so that he can check things off as they get done.  Chloe likes to write a list of all the different fun activities we can do on her days off or things to do with friends.  I find lists all around the house.  And when and if I ever make a list - like for the grocery store, I forget it on the counter and inevitably leave it at home and not with me where I need it.

Chuck hates my desk at home.  I see him twitch just having to sit down and check emails.  There are loose papers everywhere.  Random notes, pens, sticky notes, business cards, receipts.  I like to call it an organized mess - I know where everything is and what it means, I just don't have a place for it all. If I put it out of sight, I'll forget where I put it and why it was important. If I leave it on my desk in plain sight, I won't have to worry about that now, will I?

Chloe HAS to follow the rules.  We have to start anything over again if we didn't start it out the 'right way' the first time.  She is a stickler for this.  This makes her feel safe.  I, on the other hand, like to do things my own way, which I always think is better.  I never follow a recipe, I make up my own.  I don't like following step-by-step instructions, I like using my brain and doing what makes sense.  I do however, like to follow the speed-limit rule.  Okay, so maybe I go 5 over, but that's it.

People seem to confuse detail oriented with efficient.  At least that has been my experience.  I am HIGHLY efficient and that often means being thorough with the details.  But that's a very selective process for me.  I don't mind the detail of some things, but most things I would rather not worry about the details.  I prefer the big picture and can easily see all the steps it takes to get to the big picture.  Chuck, however, likes to break down those 'steps' into smaller, minute steps and make a list about the steps.  I don't have time for a list.  The list is in my head and what I can't remember, isn't important or we didn't need it.

Okay, so maybe I'm a little opinionated but only with those who know me really, really well.  The same holds true for Chuck.  Chloe wins the award for stubborn.  NO ONE will dissuade her from the path she is on.  Good or bad.  I pray God uses this wonderful quality for good in her life.

Truth be told, I think we all have a little of both Types in us.  Chuck is far from your Typical Type A, but he exhibits alot of it's strengths combined with his easy-going, laid back personality, I'd say he has a win/win situation.  Chloe definitely doesn't have the 'neat & tidy' part of a Type A - she's the messiest kid I have.  But I love how they both show tendencies towards the list making - that's what started this whole thing.  And certainly wasn't me who taught her how to make a list - that's for sure!

Anger Management

As we were eating lunch the other day, Bennett looks admiringly at Chuck and me and says, "It's hard to get mad at you guys cuz you're both so nice."

Really?!  So many thoughts are running through my head.  I find this topic of conversation fascinating.  But I'm horrible when it comes to giving an astute, timely and/or funny comeback.  The only thing I could think to say in response was, "Does that mean you're mad at us right now or were mad at us earlier?"

Gavin, ever the logical one, heads Bennett off at the pass and explains, "Bennett, what I think you mean to say is, it's hard to stay mad at mom and dad cuz they're both so nice.  It's easy to get mad at them.  But it's hard to stay mad at them."  To which Bennett was nodding enthusiastically as if to say that's right brother you speak the truth. 

Of course Chuck pipes in with, "It's because of all my awesome jokes that you can't help but laugh and then you can't stay mad at me cuz I'm so funny.  But don't worry, I don't have a problem staying mad at you."  Tongue in cheek here - obviously.

You just really never know what's going to come out of these kids' mouths next.  One thing I do know is that I will be showing them this post each and every time they are mad at me and remind them that they just can't stay mad at me because I'm too nice and then I'll bat my eyelashes and smile real pretty.  The perfect anger management tool.