Jan 18, 2013

My "Aha!" Moment

This blog acts as many things for me, memory keeper being the most important.  But I seem to often use it as a place to journal my many confessions of failure.  I guess it feels good to "get it off my chest" when I mess up.  The kids know I'm not perfect, but here they can see and hear me admit to my own stupidity, inadequacies, bad choices and failures as well as hear my heart-felt sorrow for each.

So, this is yet one more of my many, many confessionals of my parental failure.  Sometimes it's so easy to get stuck in the forest and not be able to see the trees from the forest.  All you see around you are trees and you forget where you are, what you're doing.

And then today I hear a song I've heard numerous times before.  But this time I took the time to really listen to the words.  It brings you back to what you felt like when you first had your children...that deepest yearning to just hold them and love them - nothing else matters.  The main chorus hit my heart hard and deep in that moment:
I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

Have I been doing that?  Is my only goal to just show my children what it means to be loved?  I confess it has not.  I fear my motives have changed over time.  Of course that's always there, looming in the background as the main objective.  It never goes away.  But how often have I changed the ending to 'show her what it means to be responsible' or 'show her what it means to be well behaved' or 'right' or 'a good student' instead of 'loved'.

How did I fall so far?  How did I let good intentions steal the joy of just showing my children what it means to be loved?  How can I so quickly forget the overwhelming joy of holding this new, precious human in my arms for the first time?

Easy.... I lose my focus.  That's how the long, slippery slope starts.  I start looking at the trees and I forget the forest that they are all in.  I notice all the little inconsistencies and mistakes instead of seeing how all those things grow into a beautiful tree that makes the forest even more beautiful than it was before.

How grateful I am for this reminder today!  All my heart longs to do is show my children what it means to be loved -  not perfect, not smart, not well-liked, not right, not responsible.   Loved!


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