Jan 1, 2015

A Tale About Wire Cutters and a Christmas Tree


Once upon a time there was a wife who was a little frustrated with how her husband put lights in the Christmas tree.  It was apparent, upon close inspection, that he was terribly afraid a strong wind was going to come blow all five strands of lights out of the 7 foot, fake Christmas tree.  So he wound and he wound and he wound those suckers around.  He even tied a knot or two just for good measure.

The wife didn't really care how the lights got on the tree when it was happening because she was knee deep in Christmas tree ornaments and making sure the children only used the pretty ones.  So, she was otherwise occupied or she might have noticed her dear, darling husband trying to sabotage her when it was her turn to take the Christmas tree lights off in 3 weeks.

Then comes the day when the wife has the house and the tree all to herself.  She thinks, "Hmmm...today seems like a perfect day to efficiently take down the tree and put everything away before my beloveds all get home."  So she does just that.  Surprisingly, everything that came out of one box does not fit in that same box when re-packing all the Christmas decorations. Lucky for her, the garage is still littered with tons of Amazon boxes to choose from.  Now she can add one more box for her husband to put up in the attic.  She thinks to herself, "This will make him happy."

Suddenly the wife appeared to loose all her energy and excitement about tearing down the Christmas decorations once she got to the blasted impossibly wound tree lights.  Each branch was weighed down and interwoven like a basket.  Up and under, down and around, inside out, outside in.  The forlorn wife took a few huffy breaths.  She wanted to huff and puff and blow that tree down.  Fake pieces of Christmas tree needles were falling all in her hair.  Her arms were very scratchy from the fake tree needles.  She decided to take a break and call her dear husband to vent explain the situation. She might have used a little drama in her voice and maybe even a wee bit of exaggeration.

Her highly supportive husband laughed at her.  He kept laughing.  She kept breathing huffy breaths. She wanted to keep loving him, but it seemed like he was trying to throw her under the bus with Christmas tree lights.  She doesn't like being under the bus.  She likes to be efficient and clean.  The bus is slow, tedious, dirty, hard and scratchy.  Because her husband is Prince Charming and was feeling a tad bit guilty for his earlier shenanigans he told her some everlasting glorious news, "It's fine with me if you want to get the wire cutters out and cut out the lights."

"Oh my dear husband! You really do love me!" the wife said, "You really do understand the task you so heartlessly gave me to do is truly impossible."  And so the wife did.  She took out those blue wire cutters that are very hard to use and she clipped away.  She was not at all resentful towards her husband but still a little ticked off because it took an exorbitant amount of time.  But they continue to live happily ever after and choose to ignore this little hiccup in their relationship.  However, she sometimes continues to say snarky comments to remind him of his folly.

And so, that is the story of how one middle-aged wife took off the lights on their Christmas tree. Next year, the same wife is threatening to just shove the decorated tree up in the attic "as is" so no one will ever again have to live through the experience of clipping off hundreds of lights on a fake tree ever again.

The end.

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