Majesty

Every morning I am given the most breath taking gift.  Each day I am awed all over again.  I await the sunrise with such giddy eagerness each morning.  And as soon as the first subtle rays of color come peaking over the horizon, I gasp anew each time.  Like each sunrise is the first I've ever beheld.  I will never tire of the special gift God makes for me each day.  How can I have anything less than the most wonderful day when it starts like this?  I stand in awe.

"On the glorious splendor of Your majesty and on Your wonderful works I will meditate." Ps. 145:5

Decorating Tip

When we first moved into this house, I couldn't stand my doors.  Still can't.  They are as flimsy as a piece of paper.  They are hollow-core, ply-wood looking and lack any type of character.  We vowed they would be the first things to go.

Turns out, they have come to be one of my most special treasures.  Because we didn't care what happened to the doors, we started taping pictures on them.  Then sticky notes started appearing everywhere on them.  I never would have defaced beautiful doors.  But these ugly things...it didn't matter.

What I thought was an eye-sore in my house is exactly what makes my house a home.  It has personal touches of us all over it - but especially on the doors - which are now beautiful to me.  They scream "love" every time I pass them.

Here are some of my beautiful, ugly doors:

I doubt you'll see this decorating tip on HGTV.  It's a secret.  Only people who truly value those in the house more than the house itself will ever find this tip worth while anyways.

Pre-teen Awesomeness

Apparently, our boys like to show off their new and improved, buff bodies to us, their ever present parental audience.  Gavin takes tae-kwon-do 3 nights a week, Bennett practices basketball incessantly.  Thus, the reason for the improved physiques.

Gavin takes off his shirt after dinner and announces, "Look at my two pack!"  Like we should be in awe.  In case we couldn't see it, he shows us, "See...this line here down the middle of my stomach, that delineates my two pack.  Pretty soon it will be a 4 pack.  Then a six pack.  Then an 8 pack.....(ad nausium)."

Not to be outdone, Bennett lifts up his shirt and says, "Look. I'm muscular and slim.  Except for like right now after we eat, then my stomach fills out a bit more" as he proceeds to impersonate a pregnant woman.

Just a few of the daily dinner time diddies we enjoy on a regular basis.

Hidden Beauty

 These pictures don't tell a story...they speak of so much more.  We were at one of our favorite hiking spots on a cold gray, day.  The peace of the place enveloped us.  This place is gorgeous in the fall with all the yellow leaves gracing the trees.  I wasn't excited about going this particular day.  But then I would have missed out on the hidden beauty found only on a cold, gray day.  These pictures spoke to me.  This is what they said:

Freedom

Friendship

Finding My Own Way

Introducing The iPed

Daddy was the genius behind this Lego creation.  Apparently he left it in Bennett's room and it became Bennett's by default.  Bennett does not yet have his own personal cell phone, nor does he need one.  He decided to remedy that and introduced the rest of the family to his new cell phone.  He carried it with him EVERYWHERE for a few days.  He even had to recharge it at night he told me.  He would change the two green buttons in the top right hand corner to two red buttons.  That was the sign that it was low on batteries.

Being that this is Bennett, he had us in stitches explaining all the apps that his phone came equipped with. Since it is a combination iPod, iPhone and iPad...it made perfect sense to Bennett to christen it the iPed.  My favorite app is the "Guilty/Life Coach App".  He informed us that this app tells you how much you've wasted every day, whether that is time, money or resources.  It's sole purpose is to make you feel guilty.  Thankfully, it also includes a "LifeCoach" app which tells you when you need to brush your teeth, put on deodorant, do your homework, and fix all the stuff that left you feeling guilty.

Another of my favorites is the "What Should I Wear Today" app.  I think that speaks for itself.  I can see how men would flock in droves to this handy tool.  And like father like son, it has over 4 ESPN apps all very important and useful information (he only came up with this idea because he saw 4 ESPN apps on his father's phone).  If Dad has it, it must be super important, right?

Hopefully his iPed will keep him happy and creative a few years longer because that's as close as he's getting to actually having his own iPhone unless they start handing them out for free and giving away free data plans.

It's the little things in life.

What I Learned Today

I love this precious girl!  I love seeing the world through her 7 year old eyes.  That's why everyday after school I have all the kids blog about what they learned that day.  It could be something academic, spiritual, an interesting fact or just about anything...as long as it's new.

This was Chloe's exact entry from two days ago:

 Hi! Do you want to know what I learned today?

  Okay, so if your mommy tells you to do something

 you should not storm off or else she might send

 you to your room and if you're too loud whining you

 might not hear her say when you can leave your room.

What practical wisdom she gleaned from her circumstances, I'm so proud of her.  I always tell her that we all mess up.  What matters is what we do after we mess up...do we learn from that mistake or do we feel sorry for ourselves.  If we choose the latter, we will most definitely find ourselves going through the exact same situation again.

Here are a few of her other posts that made me chuckle.  I think that maybe she has read one too many Junie B. Jones books.  Her writing style is very similar.

Hi.  Today on the morning announcements 

they said if you do not have snow boots/pants

you cannot play on the playground.  So I learned

even if you can't get what you want sometimes

you should still be happy.

Hi.  My reading group was today and when

the other girls just kept talking when it was  my

turn to read I just started to pout.  So then after 

that I decided that I should learn patience.

Did you know that being responsible is really

important?  Well it is and sometimes when you're

not listening and being responsible it could turn out

bad.  What if you were going to your horse lessons

and you are playing with your friend and you are late

to lessons?  How would that make you feel?

Don't Argue With Mom

I was sharing something I had learned yesterday with everyone at dinnertime.  I was telling them how thankful I was that God kept all the passages in the Bible where people are arguing with him or questioning him or pouring out their despair, anger, confusion.  I love that he's not scared by our emotions.  He let's us argue our point.  Afterall, he named his chosen people, Israel, which means "strives (or wrestles) with God."  He knows our nature.  He created us...He's not scared or cornered by our arguments, doubts or emotions.

Apparently Gavin saw an immediate correlation to real life.  He informed me, "Mom, arguing with God is like arguing with you."

Oh really?!  Do tell...

"You're always right.  No matter how good a reason I think I have or how right I think my argument is, you always have a better one.  And I can't help but agree with you."

What a sweet boy.  If only that were true.  But in his little mind it is.  What I appreciate about him is that he actually will come to me with a disagreement instead of let it fester for hours or days.  And once he comes to me and we get a chance to talk things through, he always keeps an open mind.  He's always wanting to learn and weigh what he knows against what someone else claims to be true.

A Beautiful Mosaic

God showed me something beautiful this morning.  I was contemplating prayer and what I have to offer God.  Why I am scared to surrender sometimes.  Why I am ashamed when I've not acted as I know I should.  Why I still try so hard to earn love or forgiveness even though I know it's futile.

There are many parts of my self I disdain.  I don't want God to see those parts.  I don't want to give him those parts.  I'm embarrassed.  I want to offer Him a 'good' Cori.  I want to hide behind my righteousness way too often.  It's humbling to give Him all you've got when all you've got is ugly, messed up and worthless.

But then He showed me that that's exactly what He wants.  He wants what we think are our mess ups.  He sees the bigger picture.  He sees the whole mosaic.  I am only one tile that makes up a beautiful picture.  What I think is an ugly stain may be exactly what He wants in order to fit in the exact place He has for me that makes His Big Picture breath taking. I just can't see it from my vantage point.  I only see the other cut pieces around me and compare myself to them.  We each have a unique part in this mosaic and none of us can see God's vantage point.  So it is vain to compare my piece to another.  I might be a pointy red piece and think I'm all wrong because I'm surrounded by gorgeous blue pieces.  That is when I must choose to trust God, walk by faith that He knows me, wants me (the good, the bad, the ugly), and made me to fit in this exact place.

He is teaching me to be thankful for what I see as weaknesses, mess ups and ugly stains.  I am the piece He wants me to be whether I see it or not.  I trust Him to use those things to make the big picture beautiful.

I Corinthians 12:9: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness".  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may live in me.

A Thanksgiving To Remember

For the past 4 years, we have spent Thanksgiving with wonderful friends.  Prior to that, we spent it at my parent's house.  Thus, if you follow deductive reasoning, you will conclude that I have not cooked a turkey in many, many years.  And it showed this year.

It has become a tradition to share this wonderful holiday with Chuck's brother and his wife.  This year was full of extra anticipation of our reunion since we hadn't seen John in over a year since he was serving in Afghanistan.   We were just happy to be together.  Thankfully that happiness helped everyone overlook my lack of expertise in the ability to actually cook a turkey.

Nothing about this day was typical.  It started out wonderful enough.  All 3 kids came in to cuddle us first thing in the morning.  We hadn't had a family cuddle session for a long, long time.  It was a fun, lazy way to start the day.  When everyone parted to get ready, Bennett started yelling for us and crying in agony.  Something terrible was wrong.

His beloved bird, Azul, lay dead at the bottom of his cage.  Bennett was heart broken.  There was nothing we could say.  We just held him and let him cry.  When he could finally emerge from his room, he was wearing all black.  He said he was in mourning.  Who could blame him.  Uncle John made Azul a headstone and Bennett wrote a sweet note to put in the box with Azul.  We started the day with a funeral.  That wasn't in the plans.

On the positive side, Bennett was surrounded by lots of love and support that day.  A friend from Texas even called to encourage him in his time of sorrow.   That really helped to lift his spirits.  By the end of the afternoon he was even able to change out of his mourning clothes into football clothes.

Then came the time to eat the turkey.  It seemed to be taking forever to cook.  The directions said 3 1/2 to 4 hours.  We were working on 4 1/2 hours and the temperature gauge still wasn't at 190 degrees.  We decided that maybe it didn't need to be at 190 exactly so we took it out.  It looked nice and crispy from the outside.   However, inside was a very different story.  Chuck started cutting it and noticed alot of gelatinous white blobs.  It looked alot like fat.  But we didn't think turkeys had fat.  So we deduced that maybe the turkey wasn't cooked all the way thru - or at all for that matter.  Since the entire rest of the meal was already sitting on the table because it was ready an hour earlier, we decided to cut off what was edible from the turkey and eat it anyways.  We put it back in the oven so as to heat all the gelatinous mass thoroughly.

But now I'm playing the mind over matter game.  After seeing the gelatinous blobs, my stomach is officially turned off by anything that starts with the word 'turkey'.  I think I even felt a stomach ache coming on. Needless to say, the blueberry pie I attempted to eat also produced much anguish in my tummy.  It was not a good food day in my book.

Add to that the little revelation John decided to share with me after we finished eating.   He said, "Cori, I thought you should know, I think we cut off three legs on this turkey."  Nothing would surprise me by this time.  Of course they cut off three legs.  That's why it was full of gelatinous white blobs that weren't cooking.  We got a genetically altered turkey.  I will never be the same again.  We might just start making a Thanksgiving Ham from now on.  Or maybe spaghetti.  Unless someone has mercy on us and invites us over for their superior food.

However, all was not lost.  We had our annual football game.  Can you believe the weather here was exactly the same as it was in Dallas?!  It was a welcome relief.  It definitely made football playing easier and more fun.  The teams were The Three Leggeds: John, Bennett, Me and the Gelatinous White Stuff (GWS): Chuck, Karen, Gavin.  Chloe floated as an extra on each team's offense.  I'm proud to say the Three Leggeds won this year's championship game.  It was a proud moment indeed.  If I can't cook a turkey, I can at least redeem my self on the football field by catching two touchdowns.

Throw Pillows

My ever creative children have given to new meaning to the term 'throw pillows'.  I have a stash of old pillows that I shove in a corner for...really, I have no idea why I have them shoved in the corner.  I guess they're 'just in case' pillows.  They've been ousted.  New ones have been put in their old resting places but I never could quite bring myself to throw the old ones away.  Thus, the stash.

Chloe and Bennett decided that they know exactly what should be done with the pillow stash.  They invented this new game where they throw the pillow back and forth trying to dodge it.  In my day we called that pillow fighting and a variation of dodge ball.

They've chosen a nice little spot between the computer desk and the back of the sofa.  A narrow alley maybe only 4 feet in width.  They deemed this the perfect spot to chunk these pillows back and forth at one another.  Obviously, they didn't think to consult me.  They still act surprised when one of them gets hit in the face and suddenly they're not laughing any more.  It doesn't matter how soft something is, if it has been thrown at you and is still on it's trajectory course for your face at full speed, it WILL hurt.  They hold the injured spot, look over at me and realize I'm not even going there.  You make up the game - you deal with the consequences my friends.

But the most amazing part in all this that I've just written is: they look over at me.  That implies that I was in the same room as this 'game' and approved it with my tacit consent.  It's all fun and games until Mommy's floral arrangement gets hammered by a pillow.  Then Mommy leaves the room and decides it's time to blog.

Play In The Dark

How do you whittle away the time from when the sun goes down (5pm) until bedtime (first one goes down at 8pm)?  Well, eating dinner and doing chores takes a good hour out of that chunk of time.  But then comes the familiar refrain, "What do you want to do with us tonight?" from the kids.

Typically, every night of the week except Friday is busy with some sort of extra curricular activity.  There is always a practice to haul someone to.  Sometimes it means getting creative with what to make for dinner and when we get to eat.  But I will not sacrifice sitting down at the table to eat together - even if all we get is 15 minutes.

So you can imagine our complete and utter shock at finding a free night on our calendar this week.  We didn't know what to do with ourselves.  No where to rush off to after scarfing down our food.  This was odd.  So Chuck came up with the brilliant plan of "Hide And Seek In The Dark".  Who wouldn't love that?

We moved all shoes out of the way to discourage any unnecessary tripping.  We turned off every single light in the house.  Since it was pitch black outside, that added an extra 'cool factor' allure.  Of course we knew Chloe would never in a million years go hide in the dark all by herself.  So she and Chuck were a convenient team of two.   That's always fun...trying to find a hiding spot for two people all at the same time while someone is loudly counting down seconds within earshot.  We like to up the ante in the stress department.

We had our main 'base' and discussed the rules.  We have a bunch of law abiding citizens in this house who take rules very seriously.  So this was an integral part of our evening.  Afterall, if you're going to let your children run rampant in your house in the pitch black, you've got to lay some ground rules.  When everyone seemed satisfied, we let the games begin.

However, I forgot to mention one thing.  Ninja, ever the loyal pup, decided all on her own that she wanted to play and that she wanted to be on my team.  First off, she doesn't hide.  She just follows me and sits and stares at me where ever I am.  I couldn't shoo her away to save my life.  If I sat under the desk, she sat to where she could see me, boring a hole through me all while wagging her tail.  She's nothing if not serious about this game.  Another time, I found a great spot behind Bennett's door.  Too bad there wasn't room for both me and my partner.  She thought the second best option was to keep her eye on me.  Afterall, I was in the Bird's room now and she still doesn't trust the bird all that much.  She's still a tad bit jealous.  She was not about to let that bird have all that alone time with me.  Yet again, all one had to do was look for Ninja and there you would find Mommy.  Something tells me the game was rigged.

I am happy to report no one got injured and everyone got found or made it home to 'base' safe and sound.  The older the kids get, the more a competitive game this becomes.  Looks like I should plan on being 'it' the rest of my life...I don't see myself winning any time soon with Ninja's help.

The Gift Of Forgiveness

Our children have been privy to many of our every day disagreements.  Ones that arise from miscommunication or a misunderstanding that are quickly resolved.  I personally think it's healthy that our children see that we are not perfect and neither is our relationship and that they see us work things out.  Relationships are messy, not easy. One person is not always right.  They need a visual of how to talk through and work out problems.  As their parents, we're supposed to be that visual...when things work the way they should.  Apparently, we (I) gave them a lesson I didn't mean to.

A few months ago, Chuck and I had a doozy of an argument.  Not just a little misunderstanding, but one where we each took a stand and wouldn't budge.  We've only had two arguments this bad in our marriage and this was the second.  It was not a pretty sight...or should I say, sound.  Weapons of choice were words and tone of voice.  The kids were asleep (or so we thought), so we didn't guard our words.  It was ugly. It was the opposite of love.  It was not honoring the other person like we both promised to.  It was not giving one another the benefit of the doubt as love does. It was a perfect lesson in how not to treat the one you love.  I must confess, it was more on my part.  I used my words like daggers, my tone of voice like steel.  

However, after taking some time apart the rest of the night to cool off, God did a number on my heart. I couldn't sleep a wink.  I knew I over-reacted.  I knew I was wrong.  I knew I didn't show love and the weight of what my words must have done to my husband was threatening to bury me.  I confessed and apologized some time around dawn.  Always the gracious and forgiving one, he accepted me with open arms and a giant dose of forgiveness and left for work.

But unbeknownst to us, Bennett was awake through the whole thing.  His bedroom is across the hall from ours.  He heard every word.  My heart dropped to my feet upon this realization the next morning.  It was like being caught in your sin.  You know you're wrong and there's nothing you can do to hide or recover.  You just hang your head in sorrow and regret.  The weight I carried that day (and many more to come) was more than I could bear.

When Bennett came to see me in the morning the first thing he said was, "No kid should have to hear their parents talk like that."  I asked him what he heard and he just hung his head, got tears in his eyes and said, "I'd rather not say."  I felt like the biggest heel in the world.  He said, "Let's just keep this between us.  Gavin and Chloe don't need to know about this."  I hugged him and told him how sorry I was (which sounded too lame for what we both felt) and how Daddy and I had worked things out before he left for work.  He said, "I hope when I get older I fight like Daddy, patient and nice."  Low blow - but true.

How humbling it is to be at your child's mercy because of your own bad choices.  If I had a whip, I would have lashed myself with it over and over and would have gladly given him the chance.  I felt the burden of guilt and it was too heavy to carry.  Bennett couldn't get past it and felt the need to remind me over and over that day and the next about how sad he was and about how wrong I was.  When Chuck found out he was doing this, he talked to him.  He told him that he needed to release Mommy from her guilt so she could be free.  That constantly beating someone over the head with their bad choice does not cause growth.  He told Bennett that he forgave me and now Bennett would need to search his heart to find out if he could honestly forgive me and not mention the incident again.  

Bennett wrestled with this for several hours and then came to find me.  He said, "Mom. I release you from your guilt.  I don't want you to walk around feeling bad anymore. I forgive you.  I want you to be free."  Even writing this again brings me to tears the way it did that day.  The breath of fresh air I was able to finally breathe knowing I didn't scar my child for life.  I thanked him for the gift of forgiveness.  I don't know that I ever experienced the depth of forgiveness as I had that day.  I now know what it truly means to not be worthy of love, forgiveness and grace, but be shown it anyways.  I always thought I knew...but now I felt it.  And oh how good it feels.

Why do I write this?  Why do I want to leave this confession for my children to read when I'm no longer here?  I want them to know how imperfect I am.  How I lived at the foot of the Cross and it was only because of the mercy of God that I was able to accomplish anything in this life.  I want them to see and know that they will also mess up.  And then they will get up and move on and learn from their mistakes.  I want them to know that their best striving is not enough.  God wants us to surrender and let Him have his way in us.  Sometimes, because of our free will, we chose the harder path, the harder way to learn a lesson....just as I had done.  But if I hadn't gone thru that, I would never cherish and know the gift of forgiveness in that way.  Now I know how to offer it to others when maybe I wouldn't have before.  Now my children know that I can relate when they tell me how mad they are at someone.  I can relate my story and ask them if they're ready to travel that same humbling path or if they want to listen to my advice and give up the anger.

I take great comfort in this Psalm:

A man's steps are established  (ordered) by the Lord,

and He takes pleasure (delights) in his way.

Though he stumble, he will not utterly fall,

for the Lord upholds him with his hand (power).

Psalm 37:23-24

Not if I fall, but though I fall.  Not a matter of if, but when. He knows I'm going to mess up.  But He upholds me with His hand.  He won't cast me aside, shun me, accept me back only after I learned my lesson.  No, He holds my hand.

May I remember to hold my children's hands while they still live with me.  May I remember to be as gentle with them in their failings as God was with mine.  May I lead them to the one who can hold their hand for the rest of their lives.