Chloe's Secret Game

The other night at dinner Chloe was all exasperated and giving loud huffy breaths. I looked at her and asked what was wrong. And this is exactly what she said, "Mom, why don't you ever look at me when you're eating?!" I look at her quizzically, with my head tilted to the side, much like a dog trying to understand something. And then comes the confession: "I play this game at the dinner table where I look at you and wait to see how long it takes for you to look back at me. And sometimes you never look at me!" (said in a progressively whiny, high, desperate voice). 

I don't know whether to be honored or creeped out that she's stalking me at dinner. Why would you just stare at someone longingly at the dinner table? Is this some secret code I'm supposed to know? Why me, why not Chuck? What am I supposed to do? Stare back? Smile? Flutter my eyelashes? Blow kisses? How many years has she been playing this game? Granted, we still hold hands at the dinner table most nights. But I am just now learning that she has the expectation that I look at her and acknowledge her multiple times throughout the meal.

This reveals several things to me:

     1) I must be horrible at looking at people while I'm eating; I concentrate entirely way         too much on my food and getting it into my mouth. 

     2) Chloe needs constant attention and affirmation, even while eating.

     3) Chloe basks in the warm glow of my eyes upon her face and feels enveloped in              love and I'm just now learning about this at the age of 16. 

     4) She's been playing this "game" for how many years and I'm just now learning              about it? 

     5) Chloe equates my love for her by how many times I gaze lovingly into her eyes              at the dinner table and I'm clueless to this fact - thus, why I've never won the             "mother of the year" award.

This just goes to show, when you think you understand parenting, everything changes. This was news to me...and I feel quite in touch with Chloe. We're always growing and learning as people and as parents. 

And don't worry, I'm on the ball now. I bestow multiple glances at my sweet girl throughout dinner time, at the ready with a warm, loving smile that says: I see you, I love you, you're important. And then I focus on my food once more (since that's why we're at the dinner table.)

The First Fourteener

 

 

This is actually a Bennett story, not a Mommy story. But since I'm his mom and I'm super proud of him, I'm going to share it for all to remember. 

 

Around these parts, it's kind of a thing to climb 14ers. There are 58 of them in Colorado alone. So now that Bennett's in college and can do whatever he wants, when he wants...he chooses to do a 14er.

 

The only caveat is that most people train to hike one of these. It's incredibly hard work. You have to prepare your body and mind. If you scale altitude too fast, you get incredibly dizzy from the lack of oxygen and if you're prone to migraines, it will hit you like a brick wall. Also, one of the THE MAIN tips is to: start early, well before the sun rises; and always plan to be off of the summit and below the treeline by noon.

 

So Bennett and his friends just decide one day, "we should go climb a 14er." The next day they went. Granted, he and his friends are all super fit, healthy, and young. That's pretty much the only thing they had going for them. They did remember to pack granola bars and water - so I guess that was also good. However, they didn't even start the 3,000 foot hike until after 1pm. A good hour after they should have already descended the peak according to expert hikers. They didn't reach the peak till 3pm. It did make for incredible pictures and probably the most beautiful sunset he's ever seen.

But notice it's just two people who made it to the summit. A group of 6-8 of them went. Everybody else turned back at the false summit (the last peak before the real one). But Rachel, the girl in the picture and Bennett's close friend, still wanted to go to the top. He didn't want her to do it alone even though he was exhausted. So he went with her.

He said the wind was horribly strong. It was bitter cold. The rocks were incredibly slippery. It was intense and treacherous. But they saw a mountain goat, so that was cool. Plus, they were descending in the dark. Ice covered many of the rocks. It was hard in the dark to tell which rocks were stable and which ones weren't. Everything the experienced hikers say not to do, they did. And lived to tell about it.I think that is a perfect summary of the college years in general.

Unfortunately, he ended up with the worst migraine ever and had to go straight back home to sleep it off. The next day when he was telling us about it, his legs and ankles were killing him. But he said his knee held up, which he saw as the bright spot in all the pain he was experiencing. (He had a knee injury the end of his Junior year in HS making him unable to play basketball for more than 6 months with many more months of rehabilitation on top of that. So this hike was the ultimate test on it.)

Personally, I never aspire to climb a 14er. There are several reasons in case you care to know: 1) I don't want to wake up and be climbing a mountain in the cold at 5am. 2) I like to stop and admire the beauty and take pictures along the way - I'm a slow hiker. 3) I get migraines too easily. 4) I love to look at other people's pictures of making it to the top and celebrating their joy and success. 5) I am perfectly content to be at or below 11,000 feet and beneath the treeline. 6) I hate the cold. So...more power to all the 14er hikers out there. I'm super happy for you. Keep doing hard things. I'll be cheering for you from the bottom.

 

The Enneagram

(photo credit: ttps://ardencoaching.com/the-enneagram/)

I have a thing for personality tests. I LOVE them! I am constantly learning how to better understand those I love so I can better relate to, understand, and engage with them. I also love it as a self-reflection tool. This awesome tool has been a Godsend in helping me to be a better parent as well. Not to mention, a more understanding and compassionate wife.

Isn't it incredible how we think everyone sees the world around us and interprets it the same way we do?! We're all naturally wired that way. We just can't imagine how anyone can see things any other way than our way - the right way. Am I right?! 

I've always been fond of personality assessments. I've been doing them since high school. But one of the biggest problems I've noticed with them has been how they seem to "box you in." People tend to interpret these types of tests as "this is just the way I am, so you have to accept me, warts and all." In a sense, I guess that's partially true. But on the other hand, it seems to be more of an excuse. It doesn't seem to encourage transformation or change. Rather, that mentality seems to justify your behaviors, way of life, outlook, and characteristics. I don't buy into that. That is a static way of living and not very healthy.

By contrast, the enneagram is a tool that highlights your healthy and unhealthy patterns of behavior and thought. It actually encourages transformation by teaching you how to own your own choices, actions, and tendencies. It requires honest self-reflection. It is very, very freeing. You're not boxed in, you're set free to be the fullest expression of who you are and who you're capable of being. We are very complex beings, encompassing a wide range of feelings, actions, and thoughts. The enneagram is fluid and allows for this complexity in a way I've not seen in other personality explanations.

There are several authors who write extensively about this topic. I was introduced to it through the writings of the Franciscan Priest, Richard Rohr. I have since read a multitude of books from such authors as Chris Heuertz, Ian Morgan Cron, Susan Stabile, Rene Baron, Helen Palmer, and more. There are also so many fantastic websites. In this post I will be linking to one of my favorites: The Enneagram Institute. 

The one thing that's different about the enneagram from other assessments is that you typically are not "proud" of your number. Nobody wishes to be the number they are. You tend to see your "worst self" when you read your number and it's a little embarrassing. But this, too, is healthy, it shows you're aware of these negative tendencies you really never verbalized or accepted as true before. You have to learn awareness before you can catch yourself behaving or thinking in unhealthy ways and then grow and transform into the fullest, best version of you.

I'd like to introduce you to the family by way of the enneagram. Once you read about each person's number, certain actions that you saw but never understood might finally make sense, or you might shake your head in agreement with a particularly revealing description.  The goal is to gain deeper insight in order to grow deeper relationships - something we all value highly in this family.

 Chuck is a 9. 

Chloe is an 8. 

Gavin is a 5.

Bennett is a 7.

And I am a 1.