Dec 19, 2010

The Offering Plate

12/19/2010 — cori

We do not typically attend church. We love Jesus but do not have a church home. LONG story. If you had told me 10 years ago that we wouldn't be raising our children in church, I would have not believed a word of it. But thus is the position we've found ourselves in whether people like it, agree with it, or not.

That being said, my children have been to church plenty. We've visited many, many churches - all different types. Each church does things a bit different. Take for instance the collection plate.

Today we were at a very formal church. It is time for the offering. Bennett is sitting at the edge of the pew. The man hands Bennett the plate. Bennett takes it and just holds it. He has no clue what on earth to do with it.

I notice his awkwardness, but for the life of me, I can't do a thing about it because I am struck with the worst case of situational giggles. He just sits there looking bewildered. He doesn't understand why someone just handed him a very heavy plate...but oh well, I guess I'll just sit here and hold it until he asks for it back.

I finally compose myself enough to take it from his grasp and pass it down the pew. I reach over to whisper to Chuck what just happened and end up in a fit of giggles again (church is the best place to giggle!). Now both of us have tears in our eyes over our ineptitude of teaching our children what to do when a collection plate is placed before them.

Chuck asked Bennett on the way home what he was thinking when that man gave him that plate. This is a direct quote from Bennett, "I wondered where all the cookies went." Oh really. Why would someone hand you an empty plate with no cookies on it? "I thought that everyone else already took the rest of them."

Of course he would think someone is handing him a plate of cookies in church.

Something I Can't Do

12/19/2010 — cori
I'm sure you'll be surprised that even this late in life (37 years old), I've discovered yet another skill I am deficient in. This may not come as much of a surprise to anyone who's known me for any amount of time, but the one with the problem is normally the last to know about it (or own up to it). I should keep you in suspense no longer...actually, I'm not exactly sure that there is a name for this 'problem'. Let's call it the: 'I-can't-give-word-examples-to-corresponding-letters' challenge. Clear as mud, right?! This might help explain. It is my favorite comedian in the world talking about this little known 'problem'.

This skit better enables me to accept this little known quirk in my life. If Brian Regan has a problem with it and is able to 'own it' among his audience, who am I not to?

Here's a recent example of my pathetic word/letter association attempts in real life:

An elderly person we know called yesterday to ask for our address. I gave it to the person, but they totally got it all wrong. Great. I knew what was next. I was going to have to spell my entire address to a very old person with sub-par hearing. The number part was easy, then came the street name.

I have a confession to make...I hate my street name. In order to be grammatically correct, it should have an apostrophe in it and it should not be one word. This little fact makes it that much harder to communicate it over the phone to an elderly person. So I start with the first letter, that's easy enough, but eventually I get to "N" and I say as in "nap". I was very proud of myself for coming up with that one under duress. I chose to say "W" as in "window", "F" as in "Frank", "O" as in "oh", "H" as in "hat" and "S" as in "silly". At this point, I'm frantically looking around the kitchen for items that start with the letters that I still need examples for.

Brilliantly, I was able to come up with "C" as in "cow" - although I have no cows in my kitchen. But then I started loosing mind went utterly blank and I got a huge case of the giggles. Chuck was in the living room laughing his head off at me and my little "problem" and leaving me hanging with a dear elderly person on the other line waiting for my next pathetic attempt at another letter/word combination.

My voice is cracking from suppressed laughter. My heart is beating so hard from stress that I start sweating. The belly giggles are coming on strong. I can't focus. I just want to scream the letter into the phone and say it over and over again until the person gets it right because I CAN'T THINK OF A WORD TO GO WITH V!

It also doesn't help that I have this Brian Regan clip on repeat in my mind and it's only making matters worse. Chuck doesn't even offer to come rescue his bride. He let's me lie in this pathetic bed I've made for myself.

I finally confess, "I'm not very good at this." To which elderly person, mercifully responds with "V as in victor?" "YES! YES! V as in victor - that's a good one!" 12 minutes later the whole ordeal is behind me and now elderly person wants to small talk with me. That's the next thing down on my list after pathetic letter/word associations that I'm horrible at.

This day just keeps getting better and better.

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