You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words...well, unfortunately I don't have a picture of this happening but luckily I have the 'thousand words'.
Yep, I'm the moron. This is not my typical modus operandi, but for whatever reason, I threw all sanity out the window tonight.
You see, my friend and I were running this course in preparation for our 5K coming up. It is not where we typically run, so we're trying to prepare for the terrain difference and extra distance it involves. It's a beautiful run, gorgeous, upscale area, very neat, trim and manicured. So, we're running along when all of the sudden I feel a 'plop' on my leg. Oh my gosh - a bird just pooped on me! I was SO grossed out! (I know I'm starting to sound 'valley girl' again). Oh yes, and I'm wearing shorts.
I could think of nothing but this gross mass on my thigh. I kept looking at it and begging my friend to let me stop and get it off (she's a tough, but awesome trainer). She finally relented and I went running off to a nice green patch of manicured grass just off the side walk and threw myself upon the green patch face first. The 'grossness' was on my upper thigh near my knee. The only thing I could think of was lay on the grass and wipe it off. But being that it was on the front of my leg...hmmm...this created quite an obstacle. Picking up pieces or clumps of grass was out of the question because much of the grass around here is still dormant for the winter. I had already claimed the only green patch around.
So, I just started writhing around on my stomach on the ground dragging my leg behind me like it suddenly went limp. It didn't all come off on the first try. So, I had to wiggle around and pretend like I was a worm a little while longer. All the while my friend is standing on the sidewalk trying to pretend she doesn't know me while laughing hysterically at the scene I'm causing. And yes, there were cars passing by.
Obviously, I could have cared less what people thought of me, I had poop on my leg that was the only thing on my mind - I could not stand for that! After a few awkward minutes we resumed our run without a hitch, as if it never happened. You just never know what you'll do in a situation until it happens to you. Well...I can now assume that whatever the situation, my response to it will most likely be moronic.
I can only pray the same bird doesn't target me during our 5K. I'd hate to have to pull that stunt in front of all the participants. This is NOT supposed to be a comedic event.
Should I even have to make this a rule? For small humans?
Of course it is Bennett that it applies to. He's like a little woodchuck over at his place just gnawing down on a piece of....anything...he can gnaw a sandwich, a cookie, an apple slice, a strawberry. You name it, he can gnaw. It takes unprecedented skill. Obviously, we've given him ample opportunity to practice.
It's just one of those things that hits you one day. Wait a minute there, did I just see Bennett gnawing that piece of meat? How long has this been going on? Why haven't I noticed this before? Have I been tacitly consenting to cavemen-like eating habits? Do I have one ounce of parenting ability in my body? How could this have slipped through my 'parent radar'? Of course this is all about me.
Therefore, I add one more utterly unexpected rule to my list of "Random Rules for Kids". The first rule: Do not bite the armoire, I learned that one the hard way. The second rule: Never say you don't need a stroller when you're going on a walk with 3 kids and one of them is only 3 months old and the other is not quite potty trained. (again, learned the hard way). And now my third ridiculous rule: No Gnawing.
If my 'learning things the hard way' can relieve the suffering of just one, new, inexperienced, gullible parent, then maybe I can continue to live with myself. Maybe there's some bigger, deeper reason to all my perils. These children will take advantage of as much as they can if they think you don't know 'all the (mysterious) rules'. Watch-out!
Another dinner in my house equals another night of unexpected surprises. For whatever reason, Bennett was standing by my chair during dinner and I reached over and planted a kiss on his nose. My children love to "rub them in" although, it would appear to any outsider, that they are wiping off their beloved mother's kiss.
As Bennett is rubbing his kiss in, he snorts and says he's rubbing it in extra good. We all bust a gut laughing. This, of course, was the last thing we expected from him. He's well known for his little piggy squeal cry, but I never knew he also had the capacity to snort so well and realistically. It was a kodak moment.
So now that he knows he can elicit a laugh from all of us, he starts snorting up a storm. He wants to have a contest to see who can snort the loudest. In the midst of our little 'contest' I stop and ask myself, "are these manners I hoped to be instilling in my children at the dinner table?" The obvious answer is "no" - but it was just so funny.
I so wish I had my camera. The face he makes when he snorts like a piggy is beyond funny. He looks up, tightens his neck and jaw muscles and then channels one of the loudest noises he can find within himself. We all had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard. Truly, there wasn't anything that could have been funnier to us at the time.
It appears Bennett gets this skill from Daddy.
I was awarded the 'quietest snort' award.
And Chloe, she got it all backwards. She couldn't snort in, she kept trying to blow air and noise out her nose. Something always ended up coming out of her mouth in my direction each time. Obviously, we need to spend a little more quality time giving Chloe guidance in this area.
Thankfully nobody choked on dinner during our little snort fest tonight.
"Hi Mom. Marsupial Garfbull would like some cornelius abstract with that please."
"Huh?"
"Actually, if I don't get some ketchup soon, I might get earwax disease."
"Huh?"
That is my son, Gavin and I having a lively conversation about his "other" world. Often times, I have zero clue which world he is in when he begins a conversation with me. I am easily confused, highly gullible and have horrible short term memory. And you can bet they use all these lovely traits against me and for their benefit more often than not.
So, back to that little nonsensical conversation...Marsupial Garfbull is Gavinworld language for Gavin Eddy (that would be my son, I assume). He likes salt. He evidently likes it so much he gave it a little, pet name...that would be "cornelius abstract". Between Chloe calling pepper "black salt" and Gavin referring to it as cornelius abstract, I get a little confused and tend to give blank stares allot when I'm being talked to.
After asking multiple questions (which is exactly what he wanted me to do...I just played into his little mind game like a circus monkey), I learned many other (useless) facts such as: ketchup is the highest rank of foodstuffs and includes candy, sugar and salt. You can only get earwax disease at 16, but eating plenty of ketchup keeps it at bay. Oh yes, and if you're ever in need of wood that rebuilds itself after being destroyed, you can find that as well; just be sure to ask for tartanium during your little visit to Gavinworld.
I'm just sitting here contemplating how much imagination is too much. This "other world" is all fine and dandy, but when will they return to MY WORLD - the REAL WORLD? I don't know Gavinworld language yet. I can't keep all the Star Wars characters straight along with appropriate powers and light saber colors. I'm not even smart enough to understand, let alone speak 'pig latin' and I actually took Latin in high school. I never know which world they're in when they talk to me. I'm treading new waters here. This was never in any of the parenting books I read when Gavin was 3 months old. I guess there's just some things parents are better off not knowing from the get go.
Bennett had a sweet, little friend over this weekend. Evidently, come to find out, this little 5 year old confided in Bennett some 'friend' problems he was encountering on the t-ball field. I had no clue 'sports talk' started this young. From what I heard, Bennett's little friend told him that he didn't know what to do about this 'bully'. So, Bennett searched deep in recesses of his brain and pulled up advice he heard somewhere, sometime. He can't quite remember the source...but I think we should credit either Star Wars or Superheroes in general, since that is the genre of t.v., books and movies he prefers. The simple, sweet and compassionate advice he felt compelled to give his friend was this: "Well...whenever that bully bothers you, just put your cheek up and walk away."
I'm thinking he meant, 'turn the other cheek', but either way, his friend was grateful and told him he couldn't wait to try it out. I just love watching the seeds of friendship grow in little minds and hearts.
Ahhh...the joys and excitement of Dress Up For Dinner Night. It has truly become a night the kids look forward to with bated breath. And if truth be told, so do Chuck and I. When we give them the green light to go ahead and dress up, watch out, the energy in this house is contagious. This week, our theme was food. Bennett suggested it and everyone thought it would be a great idea. Turns out - he was right. And to top it off, my Mom was in town to also partake in the drama. She says she's not very creative - I beg to differ. We take creative license to an extreme around here.
Remember, the rules state, "each person, no matter his/her age, is solely responsible for his/her own costume, make-up and props". This is important to know when understanding the kids "food choices". Let me introduce my family: First of all, I'm the talking strawberry, I'm standing next to a little brown chocolate bar, who is standing next to a red Mike n Ike piece of candy who is standing next to an orange fish on a plater with an apple in it's mouth. All the children are standing around their favorite asparagus. And last but not least, no, my husband did not get lost from a nativity scene, he is in fact, a tortilla with guacamole and salsa dripping out.
So there we were, a content, happy, all-be-it very weird family seated around the dinner table enjoying our feast. However, we noticed a small oversight - we had forgotten to close the blinds. For whatever reason, we are extra self conscious when it comes to the blinds being open on DUFDN. And we all pinky swear that we will not, under any circumstances open the door for any reason if someone should happen to knock on it during our blessed event. Duh!! It would sure help to close the blinds first, so that when somebody does happen to knock on the door, they can't see the entire family sitting down at the table ignoring them.
First of all, let me state that NO ONE (that we know) EVER KNOCKS ON OUR DOOR. That is, until we least expect it. It started with the door bell. It rang and we all froze. Like that was going to accomplish anything. Then we heard a knock. Odd. Who would be knocking on our door during this time of the night. The kids were just itching to run to the door to find out. We figured it was a neighbor just coming to the door to ask the boys to play. He might get his feelings hurt this once, but there was no way we were going to open that door!
Then my tortilla speaks, "It's kinda silly of us just sitting here when, whoever is at the door can see me here at the table just ignoring them." So, we did what any normal parent would do - we sent one of the kids to the door. Gavin went first, turned on the outside light, peeked outside and closed the door again. With his reconnaissance mission complete, he came back and concurred that yes, someone was indeed standing outside our door. Obviously, he felt no need to talk to this person, or even invite them in. He just shut the door.
Well, Bennett will stand for none of that, so he races out of his seat to go make the person at the door feel more comfortable and welcome. He runs outside (because the person is now walking back towards their car) gets a good look at who it is, comes back in, shuts the door (with the poor, poor soul still outside) and informs us that it is indeed someone we know.
Oh my gosh!!! This isn't supposed to happen. People we know aren't supposed to see us this way. I mean, a picture is one thing, but live and in person?! They're going to know how really crazy we are. So, swallowing my pride, I get up from the table to go to the door and apologize for her getting the door slammed in her face twice. I then stutter and stammer trying to explain why I'm dressed up like Strawberry Shortcake. I'm glad I was already wearing red because I turned every shade of red there is, so it just blended in.
Thank God this was a friend who totally understood and laughed with us, not at us (I think). She even acted interested and asked the children all about their costumes. She really didn't act the least bit surprised because she said she'd seen past pictures and had been following all our escapades on my blog. How much weirder would that have been if she had no clue we ever did this?? I hate to think of the consequences...the word CPS comes to mind.
Anyways, I guess the moral of the story would be: When you least expect it, something will happen. Therefore, be ready to laugh at yourself, because you can't be ready for what will happen, but you can control how you will react to it.
Can you tell we treasure traditions in this house? This one, we came up with 3 years ago out of desperation. We couldn't find a baby sitter for Valentine's Day. So, out of my husband's infinitely creative and romantic brain popped a new idea. "Hey, how about we make our house a restaurant and let the kids be the waiters!" Great! Sounds good to me! So, each year, we do the cooking (the Chuck part of "we"), then instruct the kids on what items to bring to the table first (like - not the dessert), then we sit back and enjoy our meal (at the little kid table). It's really the perfect set up.
We even get to put on our special clothes (like big people, dress-up, date clothes that are getting dusty in our closet). Sometimes, the boys help me pick out that perfect outfit. This year, I was given the freedom to pick out my own clothes, thankfully. The kids also put on their nicest clothes with a tie. They like to sling a dish towel over their shoulder to add that perfect touch.
Then comes the big moment. We walk outside and close the door behind us. I'm sure our neighbors find it a bit odd that Chuck and I are just hanging around on our front porch in our Sunday best for no apparent reason...but by now, I'm sure they're not surprised by anything we do. We savor the 5 minutes of alone time before knocking on the door of the restaurant. Each year the kids also come up with a name for it and draw a picture and place it somewhere in the 'restaurant'. This year, we dined at Ronos.
We are then escorted to the best (and only) seat in the house. A perfectly set child's table in the middle of our living room. We even get a candle and music. The mood is perfect. The waiters - hugely attentive. Our wait staff is also very 'lovey' - they love to give us hugs and compliments. Come to think of it, I think we had at least one waiter at our table or talking to us or staring at us the entire time we were there. At one point the young female waitress came and asked us in her softest, airy voice, "Um, excuse me, but is your food yummy?" Oh yes...we have very yummy food! This same waitress thoughtfully pointed out the direction of the nearest potty if the need ever arose to have to use it. Like I said, the service is impeccable.
This year we had an extra treat, my Mom was in town and was able to take part in the festivities with us. Having a head waitress was a HUGE help. Good times!
So....we were having a nice little family walk around the neighborhood yesterday afternoon. The weather was in the low 70's and sunny. We thought it would be nice to take the dog with us.
The kids have revamped their 'save the dog' efforts (since I'm forever threatening to give her away) and volunteered to be the walkers. That's all fine and good in theory...but when a 50 pound person tries to walk a 50 pound dog...watch out. Bennett spent most of our 'walk' being dragged through the grass - literally on his behind or on his stomach. He refused to let go of the leash. He's sticking by his motto which again, was borne out of his desire to 'save the dog': if we act more like the dog, maybe she'll like us more and listen to us. Doesn't work.
Several times Chuck had to run full speed for 50 yards or so to save Bennett from being dragged out to the street. We finally relented and told him to take a break and actually enjoy the 'walk 'part of our walk. Daddy would use his strong muscles to walk the dog.
I guess being pulled through the grass by your dog on a beautiful, sunny day energized him. The kid is never at a loss for words. (I think he was mistakenly given the women's allotment of words for one day instead of the men's.) Anyways, he was talking about everything and nothing when all of the sudden he stopped short. He put his nose in the air, took a deep whiff and in the manliest man voice he could muster he pronounced, "I SMELL BEEF!"
Of course he did. He couldn't have smelled hamburgers on the grill or a nice juicy steak. He immediately honed in on the source and it was beef. I guess his whole 'acting like the dog' thing works after all.
My dear, sweet Romeo (Bennett) just came up to me with stars in his eyes and the cutest grin ever to tell me how much he loved me. But not only did he tell me how much he loved me, he even spelled out what he thought of me. He said, "Mommy, you are B-Y-O-O-T-F-O-L-E !" How did I get so lucky?! He swaggered away with pride bursting through his chest. He knows he just made his mommy's day. I sure do love my little speller!
With one look at this picture, I think it's easy enough to deduce what tonight's theme was. And, I think it would be safe to say, that Chuck and I had WAY TOO MUCH FUN dressing up for this one. As predicted, the boys both incorporated the use of their bathrobes into their costumes (for the 3rd time!) and Chloe is still in pink - even though she's not a princess. Chuck out-did himself this time - I'm so proud of him!
The other evening, close to bedtime, Gavin tentatively asks me a question. "Mom, are you doing okay? Because it seems to me you're a bit snappy." How observant you are my son. Well, I guess one could say I might be a bit on the 'snappy' side. Here are a few reasons that might help explain this little 'attitude problem' of mine - explain...not justify.
1. For starters, there were no less than 37 reasons that I was frustrated with our dog.
2. I was already at a level 6 in the 'highly irritable phase' scale for the day and was not doing a good job of 'hiding it' - obviously. (Some might refer to this phenomenon as pms).
3. It was bedtime and yet the loft appeared to still have the entire contents of Toys R Us strewn randomly around making the 'clean up phase' longer than expected, thus delaying bedtime.
As if his observation wasn't enough, he had to go and give me his reasoning as to why he thinks I might be behaving in such a manner. "Mom, is it because we didn't give you enough computer time today or are you mad at Elizabeth (the dog)?" Well, I'm glad he narrowed it down to two things for me.
Oh...definitely the dog, honey...definitely the dog! So, after excusing myself to go do some soul searching while Chuck supervised the 'clean up party', I came down stairs to sulk. Why are kids so good at making complicated things seem so simple? I thought my frustrations were warranted and everyone around me should shape up or ship out. And look what ended up happening...I'm the only one who got 'shipped out'.
Of course, no less than 20 minutes passed (miraculously, it didn't take too long to shove the massive amounts of toys under beds and into closets), before I headed back upstairs to justify...uh, I mean apologize for by snappy behavior. With my tail between my legs, I asked if they would forgive me for taking my 'snappiness' out on them, that I was wrong to do so because it didn't show them love. They all gave me huge smiles and said, "Sure, Mom." and then thought no more of it. All was in the past...that little snappy episode...it never even happened in their little world.
Oh to have the forgiveness, trust and love of a child.
