Just the other day, we were out running errands together and she used her own money to buy some extremely important princess lip gloss. On the way home she giddily explained, "Mommy, I know exactly what I'm going to do when I get home: play mommy and make-up." She asks me why I do everything as well as how to do everything and then I hear her repeat it to her babies.
Just yesterday we went somewhere where there was live music playing and since it was hot out and I was sweating, I decided to stand up and just move to the beat of the music, guess who followed suit - exactly...because obviously, that's the right and only way to do things - mommy's way. I didn't invite her to join me...she just HAD to because she HAD to do 'the mommy thing' if she is to be perceived as a real mommy. She was highly disappointed that I wasn't wearing a dress and clacky shoes though.
As hard as she tries, it just blesses my heart to hear her serious little girl voice saying things like, "Mommy, look at all those shamleaves" while pointing to a patch of clover in the grass. Or seriously asking me, "Mommy, may you please give me some chocklick milk, please. Thanks you." Or when she tells me a story about something her and the boys did 'yestermorning' or 'yesternight'. All things reminding me of how very 4 she is.Just tonight she begged me to swiffer the kitchen floors. How could I say 'no'? This was her expression of love for me today and her way of legitimizing her 'bigness'. While she was doing it, she asked me, "Mom, could you please turn some music on? Don't you always listen to music when you clean?" Of course I do - I jam out. Her last words before bedtime tonight were asking me if she could swiffer more of the house in the morning.
Although the endless hanging on me sometimes bristles against my skin and I sometimes want to shake her off, how can I when every so often she reaches over and rubs my arm, caresses my hand, kisses my shoulder or pushes my hair behind my ears - all things I do to her through-out the day.
My reactions to her now are setting her 'default buttons' for when she actually does grow up. If I respond in frustration and impatience every time she asks a question, she'll eventually stop asking questions and in turn react the same way to those around her when in the same situation. What a beautiful, all-be-it sometimes daunting, opportunity to practice living out love through-out the mundane tasks of the day. Afterall, I AM under her microscope right now. If I hope for her to act patient, I must act patient first. If I hope she shows respect to others, I must show her respect now. If I want her to have a servant's heart, she needs to see me being a servant to my family now. My words don't have as much affect as my actions do in her little world right now.
How thankful I am that God's mercies are new every morning because I certainly need them. Most of all, she sees me fail daily and we both learn from my mistakes. I have no pretense about being a 'perfect mother', I don't even want to try. I don't want to raise 'perfect children'. I want the ups and downs of life to teach them. My only hope is that they learn to live loved and love others. And out of that love flows forgiveness, patience and kindness when they, others and I fail. What a beautiful circle of life!
