The Common Good

 

In today's political climate, just uttering this phrase gets you labeled "socialist," "heretic," or "liberal." But that's what happens when partisan politics prevails over logic, history, and compassion. Sadly, we live in such a divisive and polarizing time. People have stopped listening to one another and express their opinions as incontrovertible truth. Objective reasoning, honest questioning, and genuine conversation have been co-opted by individual opinions stated as fact, shaming, and hatred of the "other." 

I think one reason this mindset has become prevalent is because people are now finding their identity in their political party. Instead of just agreeing with some of the ideals of one particular party or the other...a person's whole sense of self and worth are now wrapped up in how well this party succeeds or fails. Agreement equals respect. Disagreement equals enemy. There is no middle ground.

You can see how far we have strayed from the original intent when you hear one our our Founding Father's explain the ultimate purpose for government is to uphold the common good: "Government is instituted for the common good; for the protection, safety, prosperity and happiness of the people; and not for the profit, honor, or private interest of any one man, family, or class of men: Therefore the people alone have an incontestable, unalienable, and indefeasible right to institute government; and to reform, alter, or totally change the same, when their protection, safety, prosperity and happiness require it." John Adams declared this to be so in the Article VII of the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts in 1780.

This no longer resembles the country I live in. Our country now over-emphasizes the profit and interest of individuals, corporations, and the wealthy over the safety, protection, prosperity, and happiness of the general public. Anyone speaking truth to this fact is shot down as "unpatriotic," "anti-American," and "anti-capitalist."  The discourse is over before it's allowed to begin. 

But I like how state representative, Cory Booker explains, "Patriotism is love of country. But you can't love your country without loving your countrymen and countrywomen. We don't always have to agree, but we must empower each other, we must find the common ground, we must build bridges across our differences to pursue the common good."

Patriotism is love of country. But you can't love your country without loving your countrymen and countrywomen. We don't always have to agree, but we must empower each other, we must find the common ground, we must build bridges across our differences to pursue the common good. But I like how state representative, Cory Booker explains, "Patriotism is love of country. But you can't love your country without loving your countrymen and countrywomen. We don't always have to agree, but we must empower each other, we must find the common ground, we must build bridges across our differences to pursue the common good."

Because I'm a mom, I tend to view most things through that lens. When I look at this problem on the micro level of the family, it's easy to see how healthy families always work towards the common good of each other. If the desires of one of the family members dictate what the entire family does or does not do, you will have much resentment, anger, grumbling, and unrest exhibited from the rest of the members. Why? Because it's not fair. We all tend to have this innate knowing of fairness. Whittled down to it's most basic form, that's exactly what the common good is. 

We desire to act in a way that's in the best interest of all family members. If everything has to be the parents' way only, we call that authoritarianism. If the children rule the roost, that's referred to as permissiveness. If everyone cowers to the demands of one person, that would be a dictator, and an extremely unhappy home. However, there is one style that is healthy for all involved and we called it authoritative. That's when the parents blend a caring tone with structure and consistent limit-setting. It's about teaching each other to put the other person's needs above your own, to put yourself in their shoes, it's teaching empathy and compassion.

If we always catered to the child who wouldn't stop screaming, or the kid who only wanted goldfish for dinner, or the one who was the most moody, we'd be taking the easy way out. We wouldn't be doing the hard work of parenting which is teaching us how to love each other and be considerate of one another through the hardships and joys of life. The family rises or falls together. We're only as strong as our weakest link. If the weakest link needs all of our resources for a time, we give it. 

I think that's a fantastic metaphor for our community and ultimately, government. Government is just a way of managing people.There are multiple opinions about how to do that. Just because someone espouses an opinion that you don't, does not mean you can call that person names. I wouldn't let my children do that; I can't abide by grown adults doing that to one another. 

Labels don't define us. There are helpful and hurtful concepts about each of the governing styles. But because we don't educate ourselves about each of the styles, we let fear drive our conversation out of ignorance. We're better than this. If we choose to put in the hard work, we can rise above this petty name-calling, finger-pointing, and alienating environment we're currently fomenting and strive for the common good once again.

An Unplanned Adventure

 

It was Tuesday night. After dinner. Chuck and I went to play tennis while Chloe was doing homework. We get back in the car to find the following text:

In effect, a very concerned, nervous sounding correspondence between Bennett and us. So the gist of the story goes...Gavin called Bennett earlier that day to see how he's doing since he just moved into his dorm the day before. Then just a few hours later he gets another random call from Gavin. But the second time, Gavin doesn't sound like Gavin. He couldn't answer any questions and was just mumbling. Bennett was afraid Gavin got a head injury or something and accidentally called him cuz his was the last number dialed. So he texted us to check on Gavin.

We tried doing that for the next 3 hours. It was maddening. We each called him like 10 times and texted him over and over. Our worry meter was on "high alert." This is just not consistent with who Gavin is. He usually always responds to texts or calls. He never mumbles. He always speaks with precision and clarity and often times uses vocabulary words above my pay grade. He is never confused. 

We tried to think of a best case scenario where maybe Gavin was at his friend, Collin's place and they were playing video games and maybe his phone died. Ya, that's it. That must be what happened. So we tried to find Collin's number. Major oversight on our part for not already having that in case of emergencies, such as now. I did however find his website. So I contacted him via the email link on that site. But I heard no response. My last ditch effort was to direct message him on Instagram. I did and within 1 minute he called me back. I'm so glad he did because our next option was to call the police to do a courtesy check on Gavin.

I explained the situation and asked him if Gavin was with him or if he knew where he was. He said he didn't know. That's when we started to really panic. In my mind there were only 4 things that would cause disorientation, confusion, and mumbling. One, a head injury from falling or an accident. Two, carbon monoxide poisoning. Three, he's high. Four, he's drunk. If you know Gavin, the last two things just aren't possible. They are inconsistent with who he is and how he lives his life. So either someone drugged him or he's injured. So we asked Collin to run over to Gavin's apartment and check on him. 

I had forgotten that Gavin's apartment has extremely good security. He was only issued one key, so he wasn't able to give his friend an extra. And he has to physically go downstairs to let someone in his building. That's just not going to happen when he won't or can't answer his phone. So Collin said he had to throw rocks at Gavin's window to try to get his attention. Gavin's bed is right under the window. Apparently, that noise was loud enough to rouse Gavin from sleep.

 

Collin called us once he got up to Gavin's apartment. We asked him to put him on the phone. Gavin still sounded extremely groggy, slow to respond, incoherent, just basically, not there. He couldn't really answer our questions. We asked Collin if he seemed alright and Collin said he just looked tired from being woken up. He said he'd take him over to his place and give him some water and keep an eye on him. We called back about 15 minutes later. We talked to Gavin again and he was still the same as last time. That's when we had to make a decision. 

 

We decided to go up there and check on him ourselves. Our spidey-sense told us something was wrong. We didn't know what, but Gavin definitely had drugs in his system or something wrong with his brain function. Unfortunately, we couldn't find a flight arriving in Fargo the next morning. So we decided to drive. We packed in a flurry and were out the door by 11pm. We drove through the night. It was a 13 hour drive.

 

We didn't hear from Gavin again until 6:30 in the morning. Those were the longest 6 hours ever. Privately, our minds were coming up with all sorts of worse-case scenarios. I was frustrated with myself for not asking Collin to take Gavin's temperature, what if he was burning up? Chuck was thinking it might be some type of aneurysm. We tried not speak them aloud for fear they might be true. Then came the call we'd been waiting for. We were still 6 hours from Fargo. 

Here's what happened. After Gavin talked to Bennett he took some medicine since he wasn't feeling well. He took 2 Benadryl and 2 NyQuil at the same time! He said he fell asleep early. That's all he remembered. We asked about his second call to Bennett. He said he had no idea why he called. He said he felt really bad about scaring us, but that he was feeling better now. We told him that is the best case scenario we could have hoped for and that will be there soon to check on him with our own eyes and hug him tight.

Relief flooded us. We had no way of knowing at 11pm what was wrong. How could we live with ourselves if it was serious and we didn't bother to show up? We had to look in his eyes and see for ourselves that our boy was okay. He forgot that he's allergic to acetaminophen. As a child he would hallucinate. NyQuil has acetaminophen. And they both have full doses of sedatives in them. In effect, he took a super sedative. His heart could have stopped, his throat could have closed up. Collin waking him up and giving him water helped tremendously to stop the deep dive that the sedatives had him in.

It was wonderful to hug our sweet boy and hear him talk like himself and see the light in his eyes. The push to get there was worth it. He did have extremely swollen glands in his throat, so his body was apparently fighting some type of infection. He went to take a free covid test, that thankfully came back negative. He decided not to go to the Doctor until he got those results back (on Saturday). But by Saturday he was back to feeling normal, thankfully.

So instead of spending the day in the hospital as we had feared, we got to spend the day hanging out with Collin and Gavin. Collin gave us a tour of his apartment (which Gavin will soon be moving into) and his work. 

 

 

He was especially proud of this clock wall. He engraved all the pieces of wood.

!

 I just love that this magnet he has on his fridge

 

 

He works in an old building in downtown Fargo that was converted into a Design Studio for NDSU students. He runs the 3-D printing area. He was sweet to give us lots of little things he'd printed up.

 

 

 

Gavin also had a room to show us in this building...the electrical room. He works for Network Engineering at NDSU and this was just one of the many rooms he had to replace switches in. The boys were so excited to show us everything. It made our hearts so happy.

 

 

We also got to spend some time at Gavin's apartment. Notice Chuck laying on Gavin's bed. He was dangerously close to falling fast asleep. Gavin was especially proud of his bookshelf and his desk with 3 monitors.

 

 

Then the boys said they were hoping to play a game with us. So we walked back to Collin's place and played a game. We were going on 36 hours of no sleep, so it wasn't going to be a fair game. But it kept us awake and allowed us to enjoy a little more time together.

 

 

As far as games go, it was pretty easy and enjoyable and one people in our state of mind could grasp. Of course, Gavin won. Then we bowed out to go to the hotel and get to bed early so we could head home the next morning. We got home in 12 hours (going 80 miles an hour really helps). Two kids safely at college and one at home. Speaking of one at home. This was the first time we ever left Chloe at home alone. She did amazing. She handled it like a pro. We had no worries about leaving everything in her hands. What a crazy, unimaginable week we've had. I had been saying how I missed going on adventures. Well...no more. I had my adventure for the year. I'm good now.

 

 

The Next Chapter

This past Monday we moved Bennett into his dorm on the campus of UCCS. It was a day of excitement and newness. It is also the next chapter in Bennett's life; living on his own, studying what interests him, meeting new friends. You can't help but be happy for him. As parents, the whole thing is still surreal. How can my baby be this big already? How can he now be the age I still feel? Our excitement is laced with bittersweet nostalgia. We each have a lot to process during this transition of growth and change. But I refuse to let this be a post about me and how I feel. I want this wonderful, exciting, novel time to focus on the joy we feel for Bennett. He deserves every good thing coming his way. He had such a turbulent elementary, middle, and high school experience that we've all been excitingly anticipating college for a long time.

This is the view from his dorm. Even though we're in the midst of a pandemic, the university decided to open and allow the kids to move-in. They have done a fantastic job taking every precaution necessary. Move-in was changed from one day to 4 days with set time frames for each student. It was wonderful. Plus, instead of being packed two to a room, he now has a whole room to himself for the price of a 4 person suite. He has only one other roommate who is also in his own room. They share a living and bathroom space. 

Here is his room. He is in Aspen Hall at Summit Village. 

Here he is resting after we unpacked and organized everything just the way he wanted it. He ordered some Kobe posters to decorate his walls with, but they didn't arrive before he left. Gives him a reason to come home to pick them up.

This is the other side of Bennett's room, opposite of his bed. Under normal circumstances, another kid would have been there. But now, he can spread out...which he has yet to realize is an incredible luxury for dorm living. We were able to move the second desk and bookcase under the bed to allow for more space.

He put great effort into organizing his shoe rack.

This is the view from the living room into his room.

This is the view from his bed. Again....lucky.

We took the customary last pictures with our boy before leaving.

One with Dad, one with Mom. And then we just left him there. Crazy how that works.

What Do We Think?

This is Chloe. She is 16, therefore I no longer shop for school clothes with her. There are many things she says I don't understand and her "style" is one of them. She officially doesn't have a style...she just "knows it when she sees it." I can't argue with that since I've said this most of my life when it comes to design. So, she gets a pass on that one. 

This year Chloe decided that she would budget some of her own, hard earned money and go "back to school" (that's funny in the era of covid, btw) shopping with her friend. Plus, it's just cooler to go places by yourself cuz  you can now that you have a car, license, and money. While she's out, at what apparently are the "cool" stores that I don't understand, I get this text...

 

Just goes to show that parenting is never done. Also, you never know what type of texts you might get. Ever. I never planned for a text of this nature. How does one respond? I don't even know Larry the Cable Guy. But I'm so thankful she is thoughtful enough to ask before buying it. In the end, that's really all that matters.

We both asked Chuck and he informed us that was in fact the guy who voiced "Mater" in "Cars." We like "Cars." We like Mater. Now, we know we like Larry the Cable Guy. We now have an official family position on Larry the Cable Guy and we affirm him - just in case you were wondering.

For the record, she came home with mostly great clothes choices. This was a win/win for both of us. We didn't butt heads. She learned how to budget and spend money wisely. She didn't feel guilty for saying 'no' to all things I point out. I didn't feel exasperated. Our relationship is in tact and all are happy...and we are not promoting a weird guy.

Twenty-five Years Ago

This is my college graduation photo, 25 years ago yesterday. In one way, I'm a completely different person than that 22 year old girl in the photo. Yet in another, I'm exactly the same. Let me explain....

I believe that during the course of our lives we change deeply over time because of the evolution of growth intellectually, spiritually, and psychologically. Life experience has taught me more these past 25 years than I ever learned in school. School is a good start. It gives us the box and boundaries we base everything else against in our lives. And then we really start to live. We start to crawl out of that box. We come up against ideas, people, and situations that challenge what we were taught or what we thought we believed. We are forced to reconcile those new found experiences with ideology we have been enmeshed in until that time. This is where the real growth occurs. This is when we start to own what we believe.

This is how I am not the same person I was 25 years ago - nor do I want to be. I want to see things from different perspectives, learn new ways of viewing the world, hold strong beliefs with open hands. I'm not intimidated by other belief systems, whereas 25 years ago I was. I'm no longer afraid of questioning long-held opinions, systems, or ideologies. I've come to think that's how "tradition" gets born. We're afraid of questioning and like the security of what is known. Holding fast to tradition gives people a sense of comfort, which on one hand is good, but on the other mires people in a "one right way of thinking/living/being" conundrum. Yet one of the most freeing things I've learned these past 25 years is that there is no one right way to do anything.

However, I am still the same girl with an insatiable appetite to learn, meet new people, go on adventures, and who still gets teary-eyed at beautiful sunsets. Hopefully, the core of who I am is essentially the same, just more mature. I'm still quite opinionated but hopefully in a more respectful way. I'm still extremely trusting of people, but now that trust is laced with critical thinking skills. 

Twenty-five years ago I graduated with a BS in Human Sciences. At the time, that was the new and improved modern way of saying "Home Economics." I changed my major 4 times. I started out as Political Science, then Elementary Ed, then Interior Design, then landed at Human Sciences. At the time, Interior Design was only an "emphasis" you could get with your Home Ec degree. I was 2 classes shy of that emphasis. 

My whole world fell apart my senior year. A professor had unwittingly created a competitive wedge between the top two students who happened to be my friend, Jessica, and myself. Then rumors started flying and before long, I was being ignored by the others in our class. We had very small class sizes to begin with. It was a devastating experience. I wanted to quit college all together. My Dad wouldn't let me though. He insisted I persevere. I'm thankful he did. We learn the most about ourselves not in the good times, but rather, during the times of hardship.

I spoke with the Dean about the situation and she agreed it was unhealthy. She allowed me to cobble together a unique schedule for my senior year. I even created my own business and business plan. It was a lonely year minus all the friends I had made in the Interior Design program. But I did it. I finally graduated. 

I found a job as an Executive Assistant at a marketing firm right out of college. I was making good money - more than the Home Ec professors said we could expect to make right out of school. That was a short-lived job however, as I ended up finding a job in my field (which I still considered Interior Design, even though my degree wasn't technically that). Through an acquaintance, I got a job in a design firm. I made a ton of money and coincidentally found out that field was not for me. Nor was the allure of alot of money. I couldn't stand the pretension of it all. I was a simple person. They wanted me to be fancy. I chose to be me and not bend to the pressure and left the business after a year and a half.

All this to say....you think you know what you want when you're young. You make the best choices you can with the information, knowledge, and dreams you have in your head at the time. Then life happens. And you choose to either learn from it, fight it, or become overwhelmed by it. Being flexible is a good thing. Learning from your mistakes, staying true to who you are, growing through the hardship...this is what the whole thing is ultimately about. Sometimes you find the perfect job at the beginning and stay with it your whole life - wonderful. Sometimes the path isn't so straight or clear and you bounce along from job to job. That's good too. Each experience is an opportunity to learn more about life and more about yourself. Remember: there is no one right way to do anything!

As of now, I'm nowhere close to using my degree. But at least I have one. In the past 25 years I've been an executive assistant, interior designer, administrative assistant, temp worker, assistant daycare director, stay-at-home mom, homeschool mom, adult esl teacher, and volunteer. And now I'm a social justice advocate hosting a podcast. Who knew?! What a wonderful way to learn more about myself. 

Staying open to whatever comes along has been one of the greatest lessons I've learned this past quarter of a century. We're not supposed to have our lives figured out, mapped out, or planned to the smallest detail. There's joy, wonderment, curiosity, and novelty to be experienced in life. Just because the path isn't clear doesn't mean it's wrong...it just means you need to be more patient, open, and trusting that where you are at that time is exactly where you need to be.

The Tube People

 I woke up today with a vision and a plan. It has been so incredibly hot this summer (not that I'm complaining), that I knew whatever we chose to do had to be done by water. BUT we didn't want to go back up to Horsetooth Reservoir because it's a mad-house on the weekends. We didn't want to float down the Poudre River in our tubes cuz that's a little bit dicey. So we looked up other area lakes and found Seaman's Reservoir. It's located up the Poudre River Valley and even boasted cliff jumping. I knew we would win big if we could offer that. I mean, isn't that an idyllic picture? Who wouldn't want to jump off those cliffs?!

Plus I'm feeling a little pressure to plan some last minute fun, memorable, family activities with Bennett up and leaving us for college in less than 2 weeks. So after talking the kids into my latest plan, we pack up the car with what seems like everything we own, including a picnic lunch. 

We make it to the State Park 40 minutes later. The guy at the gate tells us it's a mile hike up to the reservoir. Okay....I mean, that's doable. Not ideal, but we can manage. We sure will be ready to jump in that lake after walking a mile. Remember how I said we brought everything we owned with us? Ya. We carried it all. Each of us. The whole way. "Everything" included: hiking backpack with hammock (because you know, what if there are trees and we want to hammock?), camping chair (in convenient holding sacks) slung over our shoulders, our picnic lunch (2 bags - Chuck and I are each carrying one), the towel bag (Bennett has that one), and our ginormous already aired-up tubes (because we go ready people). We are all in our swimsuits and flip flops. I so wish I had taken a picture of this. We literally look like pack mules. 

For a split second before making the trek to the lake we thought maybe we should sit here under the shade of the trees eating our lunch at the multitude of picnic tables available. We were all already hungry. But then as quickly as that thought came, it was shot down. What?! Eat at a regular picnic bench by the river when we could eat at our own private spot by the lake?! Some of us were aghast. 

Lucky for us most of the hike (the line in red) was on a flat, gravel service road. The signage, leading us to where we wanted to go was poor, at best. See how the red line takes a sharp left? Well, come to find out, you have to climb a steep hill, in flip flops, holding everything you own (the tubes were now on top of our heads). Then once you get to the top with all your crap, you find out you are at the top of the dam. There is no way to get to the water from this vantage point.

See that straight line in the upper right hand corner of the picture? That's the dam. That's where we lost our marbles. The trail you see on the right hand side of the picture is a very steep, long, dry, hot, impossible to navigate in flip flops trail that takes you over several more hills until you get to the far side of the lake where you are allowed to swim. Apparently, the part you see here is "off limits." There were no signs indicating this was the case. Granted, there were also no people on the lake. We thought, "Sweet! We have the whole lake to ourselves." But that was not to be the case. A park ranger came riding up the trail on a bike. We asked him how to get to any part where we can put our tubes in. He told us the only way was over the mountain and through the woods. We just about revolted. We just spent the past 20+ minutes hiking in 90+ degree weather carrying everything we own on us to a lake that is now inaccessible except through a steep, narrow, precarious, trail laced with rattlesnakes. Well....this wasn't working out how we planned.

So we did the only thing we could do...we walked back down and all the way back to where we started. We saw several of the same people we passed before. We wanted to announce, "We made a grave error in judgement" to explain ourselves. But no, we just kept walking, kicking up dust on our mile walk back carrying those stupid, huge, hot tubes on our heads. Why didn't we just bring them all flat and folded neatly in our towel bag? Why didn't we just bring the air pump with us? Why didn't we ask more pertinent questions of the park ranger at the front gate? Why did we only wear flip flops? The list of questions is endless. And there are no answers. Hindsight truly is 20/20. 

We ended up back down by the picnic tables bordering the Poudre River. We ate like we just walked through the Sahara. We were famished, hot, sore, sun burned, and tired. Plus, the kids weren't too happy with us. We were laughing at the hilarity of how it all turned out. But the kids weren't quite there yet. Live and learn, right?

Usually, the Poudre River is freezing cold. But it's been such a hot summer, we were actually able to get in and enjoy it. We took our already aired-up tubes and walked along the rocky banks of the river until we found some low-lying spots and got in and basked in the coolness of the water, the warmth of the sun, and the time to rest in nature. 

Another Mallott Family Adventure. You can't plan this or make this stuff up. It just happens to us. And in the end, it is what you make it. We make it a fun adventure.