The Enneagram

(photo credit: ttps://ardencoaching.com/the-enneagram/)

I have a thing for personality tests. I LOVE them! I am constantly learning how to better understand those I love so I can better relate to, understand, and engage with them. I also love it as a self-reflection tool. This awesome tool has been a Godsend in helping me to be a better parent as well. Not to mention, a more understanding and compassionate wife.

Isn't it incredible how we think everyone sees the world around us and interprets it the same way we do?! We're all naturally wired that way. We just can't imagine how anyone can see things any other way than our way - the right way. Am I right?! 

I've always been fond of personality assessments. I've been doing them since high school. But one of the biggest problems I've noticed with them has been how they seem to "box you in." People tend to interpret these types of tests as "this is just the way I am, so you have to accept me, warts and all." In a sense, I guess that's partially true. But on the other hand, it seems to be more of an excuse. It doesn't seem to encourage transformation or change. Rather, that mentality seems to justify your behaviors, way of life, outlook, and characteristics. I don't buy into that. That is a static way of living and not very healthy.

By contrast, the enneagram is a tool that highlights your healthy and unhealthy patterns of behavior and thought. It actually encourages transformation by teaching you how to own your own choices, actions, and tendencies. It requires honest self-reflection. It is very, very freeing. You're not boxed in, you're set free to be the fullest expression of who you are and who you're capable of being. We are very complex beings, encompassing a wide range of feelings, actions, and thoughts. The enneagram is fluid and allows for this complexity in a way I've not seen in other personality explanations.

There are several authors who write extensively about this topic. I was introduced to it through the writings of the Franciscan Priest, Richard Rohr. I have since read a multitude of books from such authors as Chris Heuertz, Ian Morgan Cron, Susan Stabile, Rene Baron, Helen Palmer, and more. There are also so many fantastic websites. In this post I will be linking to one of my favorites: The Enneagram Institute. 

The one thing that's different about the enneagram from other assessments is that you typically are not "proud" of your number. Nobody wishes to be the number they are. You tend to see your "worst self" when you read your number and it's a little embarrassing. But this, too, is healthy, it shows you're aware of these negative tendencies you really never verbalized or accepted as true before. You have to learn awareness before you can catch yourself behaving or thinking in unhealthy ways and then grow and transform into the fullest, best version of you.

I'd like to introduce you to the family by way of the enneagram. Once you read about each person's number, certain actions that you saw but never understood might finally make sense, or you might shake your head in agreement with a particularly revealing description.  The goal is to gain deeper insight in order to grow deeper relationships - something we all value highly in this family.

 Chuck is a 9. 

Chloe is an 8. 

Gavin is a 5.

Bennett is a 7.

And I am a 1.

The Post-Bennett Era

 

In these new times we're living in, The Post-Bennett Era, things look ALOT different. Take for instance, our menu board. Notice that absolutely nothing is written upon it. Bennett would have none of that. Every meal must be pre-thought out and planned a week in advance. He HAS to know what he'll be eating, and when, at all times. I have accommodated him for 18+ years.

And now that he's off at school with "the best meal plan ever" (unlimited food, whenever you want it), I've gotten a little lax in our meal planning, with the menu board as evidence. Many nights the three of us just rummage through the cupboard and fridge and piece meal something together. Often, it's tea, toast, and eggs. Our friends refer to this style as "Choose Your Own Adventure" night, which we've been happy to adopt since it fits our lifestyle so well. Sometimes, it's nothing.

We've always referred to Bennett as the glue of the family. Apparently, he's also the one who keeps us eating and eating on time. Although, don't be fooled, he cooks none of his own food (with his famed lunch quesadillas as the lone exception). Maybe saying he's a great Food Supervisor would be more appropriate. All I know is, we never saw this coming. I used to be as addicted to eating every two hours as Bennett is. I needed to know exactly when I was eating and what it was (I wonder where he got it from?). But now-a-days, I truly don't care. Meal scheduling, planning, and timing is like a story from yesteryear that sounds vaguely familiar. And I'm loving it.

Fargo In Fall

 

We got to go see our boy! I just love this kid so much. He is so much fun to hangout with, talk to, listen to, play with. He planned all kinds of fun activities for us.

 

 

The Plains Art Museum is always one of the top spots on our list of favorite places to visit. Every time we visit, we're blown away by the incredible exhibits. And it's FREE! Not only do we appreciate all the art, but we love how they recycled the building and added stunning architectural features. Even the building is a piece of art.

 

 

Downtown Fargo is such a fantastic, vibrant place to wander around. And the food! Oh my goodness...we sure ate good on this trip. Gavin and his friends are constantly exploring the local food scene. And we certainly reaped the benefit from all their "research trips." 

 

Gavin recently changed apartments. He moved into this lovely building just last month with his friends. He's such a happy camper now. Free laundry, awesome few from the 5th floor, friends and games always at hand, his own room, and lower rent. What's not to love?!

 

 

 

He even utilized his space to maximum efficiency making me one happy space planner. Most everything he had in his old, efficiency apartment actually fit into this one room.

 

 

 

This is the side opposite his bed. Yes. He does have 3 computer monitors. And a shelf full of awesome books. He's definitely his mother's son in that regard. And his father's son on the computer front.
 

 

Gavin took us on a tour of NDSU that no one else has ever gotten to enjoy, except maybe the custodial staff that work in this basement. For his job, he is forever being sent to the most obscure places around campus to look for electrical boxes and switches (he works for Network Engineering). This was one of the places he's had to go a few times. This basement is so creepy and old. We were the only ones down there. It's the type of place you wouldn't be surprised to find a dead body. It was super fun. We got to see the rest of the campus too, but this was by far the most memorable.

 

 

We also got to experience the Red River Farmer's Market - masks and all. I was surprised, the news is showing ND spiking in Covid cases, but everywhere we went in Fargo, people were wearing masks.  

 

 

We spent several hours walking along the Red River that separates ND from MN. On our way to the river walked through Island Park. It's an old park with giant pines and maples. Super peaceful. But we were super surprised to come across this very old commemorative statue of the Civil War.

 

 

This is the trail we followed for our 3 mile trek along both sides of the river.

 

 

This is a dock on the MN side.

 

I really love how much Fargo-ites (?) Fargonians (?) Fargo people appreciate art. Here we found Paul Bunyan and his oxen.

 

 

And the famed Bison that ND was once famous for but sadly, there are no more.

 

 

Also on the MN side of the Red River in the town called Morehead, Gavin showed us this brand new amphitheater that was just built. It was so visually appealing.

 

 

And the sound quality was incredible. You could stand on the stage and just talk in your normal voice and the person sitting in the last row on the back could hear you perfectly. I hope Gavin gets to see a concert there before he graduates. 

 

 

 

Before leaving on Sunday morning, Chuck got to play Smash Bros with Gavin and Collin. This appears to be a very serious activity.

 

 

And we were lucky enough to get to hold Oogway, Collin's pet turtle. They even take him to the park for "walks." Apparently, Oogway likes to sit in the window and watch the cars go by. 

 

Time in Fargo is always special because we get to share it with Gavin!

Art Is Everywhere

 

A couple weeks ago, Chloe and I decided to find as many transformer boxes as we could and take pictures by them. We had no idea what we were walking into. We've seen these beautifully painted electrical boxes around town for years, but just took them for granted. Then I decided to look up the reason for them. A couple of years ago, the city of Fort Collins decided to beautify these ugly gray boxes found all over the city. They decided to commission local artists to paint these boxes. I'm so glad they did. These ugly, now beautiful, boxes are just so happy. It's the little things that bring joy and art and beauty into people's lives. Art is everywhere...you just have to look. Here's a sampling of just a few that Chloe and I found. We spent about an hour one evening and two hours the next day on what felt like an easter egg hunt all around Old Town (the old downtown area of the city). We photographed over 52 transformer boxes and I have a feeling we haven't even made a dent in the amount left to still find. We had such a fun time together! I'm so glad we live in a city that values art.

This is titled, High Plains Gold by Gale Whitman

Also by Gale Whitman, Juicy

This is the Bayou Moonlight Delite by Terry McNerney

My personal favorite, Sunset Serenade by Kristen Vohs

 

This is The Tattoo Dragon by Blake Neubert

This is titled, This Land Is Your Land, by Diane Findley

No title or artist name given

No title or artist name given

 

 

No title or artist name given

This is called Colorado Sky Shows by Cynthia Danielle

This is the other side of the one from above.

This is Burrowing Owls by Larry Tucci

Two Dozen

How lucky are we?! 24 years of love. It's a gift I will never take for granted. We're not only still in love, we're still in like too. I think it's important to really like your spouse. We're best friends, play mates, and goof balls. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

We normally like to plan something special for each anniversary. But...the pandemic. If living in a pandemic has taught us anything, it's been to stay flexible, things can change in an instant. We were supposed spend a long weekend in Crested Butte, Colorado. We'd never been there and heard it was beautiful. But we just didn't feel right about it. So we cancelled our plans. That freed up the money we would have spent for our midnight drive to North Dakota to check on our boy. See, it all works out.

 

 

Then we thought maybe we'd go hiking on the day of our anniversary...that is until the Cameron Peak fire, 50 miles from us spewed fire and smoke 40,000 feet into the atmosphere. This picture was taken at 3pm. It gets weirder every day. So, hiking was out of the question. The last thing we want to do is drive toward the fire. It's hard enough to breathe down here. It's literally raining ashes.

 

 

But leave it to Chuck to save the day. He found an incredible Asian Restaurant in Denver. And the smoke hadn't quite invaded Denver as badly as it has Fort Collins. so we headed to Denver for a fun-filled day outside.

This restaurant is famous for their dumplings. They did not disappoint. I'm counting down the days till we can return again. This food just made us so happy!

 

 

It especially made our date-buddy happy. Chloe got to share in the festivities of being married for 24 years. Lucky her. She was cool with it because she scored free Asian food and undivided attention from the both of us (which she gets in spades nowadays since she's the only one of the kids left at home).

 

 

From there we went to the Denver Botanical Garden

 

 

In our 3 years here, we've never been there before.

 

 

It was lovely to be outside, in a sparsely populated area, taking in beauty. However, as the weather heated up and the day progressed, so did the smoke. We had to cut our time at the Gardens short because it was getting hard to breathe. But it was just enough time outside to fill us up.

Our twenty fourth year together has ushered us into a new phase of life. We're super close to an empty nest (oftentimes it feels already empty since Chloe is rarely around). But we're embracing all the joy and sorrow together that this new transition brings. Our sorrows are lighter and our joys are sweeter when shared together.

Living His Best Life

Every day until the day he left, this son of mine would greet me with a hug each morning and close out the day the same way. That's what you get with a kid who's love language is physical touch. I have to say, it's a noticeable absence. I will never again take for granted the hugs of my sweet boy. But it's kinda hard to feel sorry for myself when I see how at home he is in his new surroundings.

It's been just about three weeks since we dropped Bennett off at school. We finally got to see him again yesterday. It is apparent that he moved to Heaven. He is living his best life and we couldn't be more thrilled for him. Within days he found the most incredible friend group...the kind of friends that want to be with you as much as you want to be with them...the kind of friends that support you and show up and cheer for you. He's never had a friend group like that in his life. He's had 1 friend throughout his life that that has remained close, but he was a long distance friend. He's never had that group that is tight and embraces you no matter what. He especially loves that they have deep talks and can match his activity level game for game. They are spike ball maniacs.

Here's a recent example of how the squad supports each other. The girls are all on the cross country team. So the boys went and bought t-shirts and spray paint, decked themselves out in team spirit, and showed up to the cross country meet ready to cheer on their friends. It meant the world to the girls. This makes my heart so happy.

We raise our kids to soar when they leave the nest...what a gift it is to be able to watch it happen.

 

The Common Good

 

In today's political climate, just uttering this phrase gets you labeled "socialist," "heretic," or "liberal." But that's what happens when partisan politics prevails over logic, history, and compassion. Sadly, we live in such a divisive and polarizing time. People have stopped listening to one another and express their opinions as incontrovertible truth. Objective reasoning, honest questioning, and genuine conversation have been co-opted by individual opinions stated as fact, shaming, and hatred of the "other." 

I think one reason this mindset has become prevalent is because people are now finding their identity in their political party. Instead of just agreeing with some of the ideals of one particular party or the other...a person's whole sense of self and worth are now wrapped up in how well this party succeeds or fails. Agreement equals respect. Disagreement equals enemy. There is no middle ground.

You can see how far we have strayed from the original intent when you hear one our our Founding Father's explain the ultimate purpose for government is to uphold the common good: "Government is instituted for the common good; for the protection, safety, prosperity and happiness of the people; and not for the profit, honor, or private interest of any one man, family, or class of men: Therefore the people alone have an incontestable, unalienable, and indefeasible right to institute government; and to reform, alter, or totally change the same, when their protection, safety, prosperity and happiness require it." John Adams declared this to be so in the Article VII of the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts in 1780.

This no longer resembles the country I live in. Our country now over-emphasizes the profit and interest of individuals, corporations, and the wealthy over the safety, protection, prosperity, and happiness of the general public. Anyone speaking truth to this fact is shot down as "unpatriotic," "anti-American," and "anti-capitalist."  The discourse is over before it's allowed to begin. 

But I like how state representative, Cory Booker explains, "Patriotism is love of country. But you can't love your country without loving your countrymen and countrywomen. We don't always have to agree, but we must empower each other, we must find the common ground, we must build bridges across our differences to pursue the common good."

Patriotism is love of country. But you can't love your country without loving your countrymen and countrywomen. We don't always have to agree, but we must empower each other, we must find the common ground, we must build bridges across our differences to pursue the common good. But I like how state representative, Cory Booker explains, "Patriotism is love of country. But you can't love your country without loving your countrymen and countrywomen. We don't always have to agree, but we must empower each other, we must find the common ground, we must build bridges across our differences to pursue the common good."

Because I'm a mom, I tend to view most things through that lens. When I look at this problem on the micro level of the family, it's easy to see how healthy families always work towards the common good of each other. If the desires of one of the family members dictate what the entire family does or does not do, you will have much resentment, anger, grumbling, and unrest exhibited from the rest of the members. Why? Because it's not fair. We all tend to have this innate knowing of fairness. Whittled down to it's most basic form, that's exactly what the common good is. 

We desire to act in a way that's in the best interest of all family members. If everything has to be the parents' way only, we call that authoritarianism. If the children rule the roost, that's referred to as permissiveness. If everyone cowers to the demands of one person, that would be a dictator, and an extremely unhappy home. However, there is one style that is healthy for all involved and we called it authoritative. That's when the parents blend a caring tone with structure and consistent limit-setting. It's about teaching each other to put the other person's needs above your own, to put yourself in their shoes, it's teaching empathy and compassion.

If we always catered to the child who wouldn't stop screaming, or the kid who only wanted goldfish for dinner, or the one who was the most moody, we'd be taking the easy way out. We wouldn't be doing the hard work of parenting which is teaching us how to love each other and be considerate of one another through the hardships and joys of life. The family rises or falls together. We're only as strong as our weakest link. If the weakest link needs all of our resources for a time, we give it. 

I think that's a fantastic metaphor for our community and ultimately, government. Government is just a way of managing people.There are multiple opinions about how to do that. Just because someone espouses an opinion that you don't, does not mean you can call that person names. I wouldn't let my children do that; I can't abide by grown adults doing that to one another. 

Labels don't define us. There are helpful and hurtful concepts about each of the governing styles. But because we don't educate ourselves about each of the styles, we let fear drive our conversation out of ignorance. We're better than this. If we choose to put in the hard work, we can rise above this petty name-calling, finger-pointing, and alienating environment we're currently fomenting and strive for the common good once again.

An Unplanned Adventure

 

It was Tuesday night. After dinner. Chuck and I went to play tennis while Chloe was doing homework. We get back in the car to find the following text:

In effect, a very concerned, nervous sounding correspondence between Bennett and us. So the gist of the story goes...Gavin called Bennett earlier that day to see how he's doing since he just moved into his dorm the day before. Then just a few hours later he gets another random call from Gavin. But the second time, Gavin doesn't sound like Gavin. He couldn't answer any questions and was just mumbling. Bennett was afraid Gavin got a head injury or something and accidentally called him cuz his was the last number dialed. So he texted us to check on Gavin.

We tried doing that for the next 3 hours. It was maddening. We each called him like 10 times and texted him over and over. Our worry meter was on "high alert." This is just not consistent with who Gavin is. He usually always responds to texts or calls. He never mumbles. He always speaks with precision and clarity and often times uses vocabulary words above my pay grade. He is never confused. 

We tried to think of a best case scenario where maybe Gavin was at his friend, Collin's place and they were playing video games and maybe his phone died. Ya, that's it. That must be what happened. So we tried to find Collin's number. Major oversight on our part for not already having that in case of emergencies, such as now. I did however find his website. So I contacted him via the email link on that site. But I heard no response. My last ditch effort was to direct message him on Instagram. I did and within 1 minute he called me back. I'm so glad he did because our next option was to call the police to do a courtesy check on Gavin.

I explained the situation and asked him if Gavin was with him or if he knew where he was. He said he didn't know. That's when we started to really panic. In my mind there were only 4 things that would cause disorientation, confusion, and mumbling. One, a head injury from falling or an accident. Two, carbon monoxide poisoning. Three, he's high. Four, he's drunk. If you know Gavin, the last two things just aren't possible. They are inconsistent with who he is and how he lives his life. So either someone drugged him or he's injured. So we asked Collin to run over to Gavin's apartment and check on him. 

I had forgotten that Gavin's apartment has extremely good security. He was only issued one key, so he wasn't able to give his friend an extra. And he has to physically go downstairs to let someone in his building. That's just not going to happen when he won't or can't answer his phone. So Collin said he had to throw rocks at Gavin's window to try to get his attention. Gavin's bed is right under the window. Apparently, that noise was loud enough to rouse Gavin from sleep.

 

Collin called us once he got up to Gavin's apartment. We asked him to put him on the phone. Gavin still sounded extremely groggy, slow to respond, incoherent, just basically, not there. He couldn't really answer our questions. We asked Collin if he seemed alright and Collin said he just looked tired from being woken up. He said he'd take him over to his place and give him some water and keep an eye on him. We called back about 15 minutes later. We talked to Gavin again and he was still the same as last time. That's when we had to make a decision. 

 

We decided to go up there and check on him ourselves. Our spidey-sense told us something was wrong. We didn't know what, but Gavin definitely had drugs in his system or something wrong with his brain function. Unfortunately, we couldn't find a flight arriving in Fargo the next morning. So we decided to drive. We packed in a flurry and were out the door by 11pm. We drove through the night. It was a 13 hour drive.

 

We didn't hear from Gavin again until 6:30 in the morning. Those were the longest 6 hours ever. Privately, our minds were coming up with all sorts of worse-case scenarios. I was frustrated with myself for not asking Collin to take Gavin's temperature, what if he was burning up? Chuck was thinking it might be some type of aneurysm. We tried not speak them aloud for fear they might be true. Then came the call we'd been waiting for. We were still 6 hours from Fargo. 

Here's what happened. After Gavin talked to Bennett he took some medicine since he wasn't feeling well. He took 2 Benadryl and 2 NyQuil at the same time! He said he fell asleep early. That's all he remembered. We asked about his second call to Bennett. He said he had no idea why he called. He said he felt really bad about scaring us, but that he was feeling better now. We told him that is the best case scenario we could have hoped for and that will be there soon to check on him with our own eyes and hug him tight.

Relief flooded us. We had no way of knowing at 11pm what was wrong. How could we live with ourselves if it was serious and we didn't bother to show up? We had to look in his eyes and see for ourselves that our boy was okay. He forgot that he's allergic to acetaminophen. As a child he would hallucinate. NyQuil has acetaminophen. And they both have full doses of sedatives in them. In effect, he took a super sedative. His heart could have stopped, his throat could have closed up. Collin waking him up and giving him water helped tremendously to stop the deep dive that the sedatives had him in.

It was wonderful to hug our sweet boy and hear him talk like himself and see the light in his eyes. The push to get there was worth it. He did have extremely swollen glands in his throat, so his body was apparently fighting some type of infection. He went to take a free covid test, that thankfully came back negative. He decided not to go to the Doctor until he got those results back (on Saturday). But by Saturday he was back to feeling normal, thankfully.

So instead of spending the day in the hospital as we had feared, we got to spend the day hanging out with Collin and Gavin. Collin gave us a tour of his apartment (which Gavin will soon be moving into) and his work. 

 

 

He was especially proud of this clock wall. He engraved all the pieces of wood.

!

 I just love that this magnet he has on his fridge

 

 

He works in an old building in downtown Fargo that was converted into a Design Studio for NDSU students. He runs the 3-D printing area. He was sweet to give us lots of little things he'd printed up.

 

 

 

Gavin also had a room to show us in this building...the electrical room. He works for Network Engineering at NDSU and this was just one of the many rooms he had to replace switches in. The boys were so excited to show us everything. It made our hearts so happy.

 

 

We also got to spend some time at Gavin's apartment. Notice Chuck laying on Gavin's bed. He was dangerously close to falling fast asleep. Gavin was especially proud of his bookshelf and his desk with 3 monitors.

 

 

Then the boys said they were hoping to play a game with us. So we walked back to Collin's place and played a game. We were going on 36 hours of no sleep, so it wasn't going to be a fair game. But it kept us awake and allowed us to enjoy a little more time together.

 

 

As far as games go, it was pretty easy and enjoyable and one people in our state of mind could grasp. Of course, Gavin won. Then we bowed out to go to the hotel and get to bed early so we could head home the next morning. We got home in 12 hours (going 80 miles an hour really helps). Two kids safely at college and one at home. Speaking of one at home. This was the first time we ever left Chloe at home alone. She did amazing. She handled it like a pro. We had no worries about leaving everything in her hands. What a crazy, unimaginable week we've had. I had been saying how I missed going on adventures. Well...no more. I had my adventure for the year. I'm good now.